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Thursday, October 28, 2004

Babies


Babies, I love babies. I was put on this planet to be a mom. However the stars are not lining up for me. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last two or three years. Before that, we weren't trying but we weren't preventing. There is a reason I'm having such a hard time conceiving. I have PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I also have an abnormally small left ovary and an abnormally large right ovary. We've tried Clomid but that didn't work, it made me gain 50 or so pounds. Gee thanks, I needed that! Most of the time, I'm optimistic or at least I think I'm really truely optimistic. It may be denial though. There are times when I feel like I know I'll never get pregnant and I'm only kidding myself. Normally, I know myself and what I'm really feeling, but this really has troubled me. I really don't know how I'm feeling. It's possible that my brain is blocking out my real feelings because it is so painful. This all sounds crazy as I'm writing it, but that's what is so messed up about it. Tears well up when I see babies or my friends with their children. I quickly dry my eyes and put on a smile and soak up as much time with their kids as possible. I sit here and attempt to really feel what I'm feeling, but there's a brick wall, nothing. I know I'm dying inside just thinking about the possibility of never being a mom, but I feel like I'm stopping myself from really feeling it. Because otherwise, I would be crying my eyes out all day long. Could I really be protecting myself from my true feelings? Wouldn't I have to have a mutiple personality to do this? Or maybe I'm really optimistic, or maybe I KNOW that I will have a baby someday, our lives just aren't ready for it yet. I guess if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

The picture above is my best friends 2 1/2 yr old daughter, Pashaince.

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