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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

The Biggest Looser

I'm applying for NBC's The Biggest Loser! Jory says they're not looking for chubby people, they're looking for fat people. Isn't that sweet of him to say. I'm not being sarcastic! He thinks I'm chubby, not fat. That's a compliment to me! I know I'm fat, I'm embarrassed by it everyday. But I wake up get dressed and go about my day anyway. I started a month ago or so to change what I eat and I've done really well with portion sizes and I've done awesome with not eating fast food. So I'm happy with what I've done so far. Of course once I'm back on my medication for PCOS and Hypothyroidism, the weight will drop off a lot faster. This time though, I vow to exercise. If I had exercised the first time I got on the medication, I would have lost well over 60 lbs!

Anyway, today was our first day of not smoking, didn't go so well. I lost it around 5pm and when we went to go get drinks, I made the choice to buy a pack. I feel stronger when I know I have ciggarettes then when we're out. It's during the early evening that I start to get bitchy and I don't want us to be boxing by dinner, so I'd rather just have that one smoke and be good for the rest of the night. However, Jory thinks if we have smokes then we may as well smoke them. So we are going to have find a happy medium.

Thanksgiving was good, the rest of the weekend was stressful. All I heard was why wouldn't I go to grandma P.'s house. I made a choice when I moved out of the parents house that I would not force myself to go to grandma P.'s house because of the way she has always treated me. There was and is no reason why I should have to put up with that now that I'm an adult and can make that choice. A few years ago, I took Jory over to meet them as a xmas gift to my step dad. It went fine, but I think it gave everyone the impression that it would happen again. Why don't they understand that it is unhealthy for me to go there when I am treated like a second rate relative, an outcast. When you are treated like shit when you go somewhere, you STOP going there! I don't have to put up with it anymore. Funny thing is, Saturday night we had dinner at my parents house for my Bday and after dinner my two aunts from the P. famliy came over to visit because my oldest brother Jason was in town. Of course the subject came up and Carol asked me if I was going to dinner Sunday at Grandma P's. I told her I wasn't and she mentioned that her daughter Tiffany now knows how it must have felt for me growing up because she is no longer held as highly as she was when we were younger. Carol's husband Phil interjected and said that there is probably a lifetime of feelings that they will never know how it felt to be me. I wanted to hug him, because they will NEVER know how it felt being treated like shit. I don't understand why any of them that claim to feel the same way still go over there! So the drama continues...We go back up to my mom's for breakfast on Sunday and as we are leaving my stepdad pulls Jory aside and asks him to help me change my mind and get me to go to grandma's. The next day my mom calls me and tells me that they are doing dinner again Monday night at grandma's because Jason is leaving Tuesday. I tell her again that I'm not going but that I will think about it. I'm starting to feel guilty by this time. Later we got a voicemail from my GRANDMA asking us to please join them for dinner, she would really like us to come. The lady NEVER calls me. Which in my mind tells me that someone told her to call me hoping that would convince me. I'm thinking at this point, it's turned into this HUGE deal and now I don't ever want to go back there. A few hours later Jason calls. He apologizes but was told to call me and see if he could convince me to go. Jason understands my feelings and says that he agrees with my decision and will not feel bad if I don't come. I thank him for understanding and explain that especially after this whole fiasco that I will not be coming. It's been made into such a big deal, that I will not walk into a situation where all eyes are on me and a possible confrontation may take place.

I will stand my ground from here on out and I will not ever go to the P.'s house. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, I'm trying to save my own sanity. I would not force anyone in my family to go somewhere they are made to feel bad about themselves and I would expect the same from them.

And this is why I hate that my birthday is so close to Thanksgiving because it has always coincided with the drama of not going to the P.'s house. The only time I have enjoyed my birthday is when I didn't come home to Logan to celebrate it! If I didn't come home, I didn't have to go thru the drama.

So yet another birthday goes by that is drowned in drama. Why did we move to my hometown? I hope that question doesn't haunt me.
Good night all!

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