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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Adventures at Walmart!

Last night around 9:30 PM, I went to Walmart to buy groceries and ended up having quite the adventure (from HELL). First let me tell you that normally on a Saturday night, Walmart is normally not that busy or so I thought.

My journey began by filling out 20 to 30 film packets because we haven't developed film in over 7 years! We're not really sure what were going to get back....kinda scary! After the first 6 or 7 packets I realized I was filling out the one hour packets....God Damn it! This whole project took about 45 minutes and needless to say my hand was so numb it ached!

10:30 PM: On my way over to the food section, I played some serious NasCart with major aisle rage! Don't people know that you should stay to the right in the aisle? It's just like driving, you don't drive in oncoming traffic do you? GOD, I hate people!

From my experience, shopping late at night because of my hate for people, most stores start stocking their shelves around midnight. At Walmart they start stocking at 10:30 pm. How ridiculous is that? If you're open all night, why aren't you stocking shelves somewhere between 1:00 am and 3:00 am? It just doesn't make sense to me.

So I'm navigating between boxes, stockers and customers. I gave up after the 4th item I picked up. And went straight to the cold stuff. Regretting my decision to go to Walmart, I plan a trip to Super Target in a few days. Grabbed all my cold stuff and some comfort foods because I'm pissed off and head to the checkout stand.

11:30 PM: With a few hundred people here you think they would have more than THREE checkout stands open! They've got self checkouts but the sign says for 20 items or less and I've got a full cart. So I head for the other two lanes, feeling bad for those that have to wait behind someone like me with a jam packed cart, I get in line behind two ladies who have TWO full carts each! I call Jory to check in because I know I've been gone awhile and now I'm stuck for at least another hour. I joke about the food going bad because I'm going to be in line for so long, little did I know what was still coming....

I forgot to mention that I made a new friend while shopping at the local Walmart. I first met her when dealing with the boxes, stockers and customers. I was trying to get around her fat...cart and she was taking a chug off her not yet paid for gallon of OJ. Yeah, she's one of "those" people! After she quenched her thirst she moved her God Damn cart out of my way and I quickly moved on cursing along the way.

My next encounter with my new best friend I've nicknamed Fucking Fat Ass in the Redshirt, was in the freezer section picking up my FAVORITE fajita chicken. Apparently it looks weird when you pick up One, Two, Three bags and toss them in your cart. Because she asked me if I like that kind. No redshirt lady, I don't like that kind, I just picked up THREE bags for fun! But because I love them so much, I immediately turned into the Fajita Chicken Sales Person of the year and went on about how you start to salivate when you open the bag because the smell of the spices are so yummy you have to stop yourself from popping one in your mouth before you cook it.

I even went on about how I substitute this Fajita Chicken for beef in Hamburger Helper. I kept thinking to myself, "why am I sharing my secrets with redshirt lady?" So I stopped and went on about my business.

So I'm back at the checkout waiting somewhat patiently, I've read People Magazine and am moving on to US Weekly when you'll never guess who strolls up behind me. That's right it's the Fucking Fat Ass in the Redshirt! No JOKE! And not only is she Redshirt lady, now I've learned that she's "close talker" redshirt lady. She was all up in my grill! People probably thought she was my mom and we were shopping together, that's how CLOSE she was standing! Have I mentioned I hate people? Seriously, you think it's OK to stand so close that your boob is touching my arm??? Back off Buster Brown!

Not only am I still waiting for the 2nd lady with her TWO carts to check out, now I have to chat with redshirt lady? Here's a list of things I learned about Redshirt lady:
1. She's the only fat person her in family.
2. Her daughter has a pet chicken.
3. Said pet chicken lives in their apartment and loves canned cat food.
4. She's coming back to Walmart tomorrow for some more food!
Blah blah blah...

12:30 am: (An HOUR later) My turn finally! Check out, go to my car toss the bags in the back, shut the door and put the cart away. Went back to the car........OH SHIT! No No NOOO! God Damn MotherFucking Shit Ass Hell....FUCK FUCK FUCK! I've locked my purse in the keys, no cell phone! FUUUCK!

I even made a mental note when I sat my purse down in the back of the car, to remember to grab it before I shut the door. I'm screwed! Why did I leave my purse in the car?!?!?! DAMN it all to HELL and back!

I check all the doors, locked. Try with all my might to open each and every door at least three times! If I pull hard enough, one will pop open for me! Right? No.

I go back into the now boycotted Walmart and look for my new best friend Redshirt lady, she's actually going to come in handy now. I know she has a cell phone I can use because she answered it while were were waiting in line. She's no where to be found, great.

I head over to Customer Service and ask the lady there if I can use the phone. She politely points out the pay phone and says I can use that. How sweet of her. I apologize and explain that, like a retard I have locked my purse in my car with all the food I just bought. She kindly shows me the desk phone and says I can use it. I call Jory to grovel in my stupidity. We decide it would be cheaper for him to get a cab and come save my ass.

1:10 am and $16 later: Jory, Mazzy and I drive home.

Counting down the days until we can buy another car!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Holy. Shit. Your Wal-Mart story tops the crap out of mine! I think we should all band together and write a book. It can just be short stories each of us recounting an experience at Wal-Mart. I think it would be a best seller.


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