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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

All I need to hear is that You Are Sorry & You Care

Yesterday someone asked me if I was feeling better, as if one month and 3 weeks and 2 days is enough time to "get over" the loss of our son. He went on to tell me that his dog broke two legs while in someone else's care, as if his dog breaking her legs even compares to what we are going through. I'm sorry for his dog, I'm sorry he had to come home to that, but losing Jack trumps everything, absolutely everything else in the world.

I know I'm probably misplacing my anger on what everyone is saying wrong. I'm struggling more than anyone can comprehend. Working is as hard as I thought it would be. Had my coworkers shown some support, even through a card or any acknowledgement of Jack's existence would have helped. But nothing, they have shown nothing, given nothing, said nothing. I don't want to hear anymore that it's because they don't know what to say because they sent a card to a former coworker who lost his dad a few months ago. Where is my FUCKING card? Don't get me wrong, there is one person who's reached out. She lost her daughter Zoe two years ago in a very similar situation. I know Jack has brought back all those emotions and it can't be easy for her to deal with. It's not fair that she's been given the responsibility to check on me because she's the only one who understands. How hard is it to say, "I'm sorry"?

I've read recently that when you lose a child people don't know what to say and often say nothing at all. And that often Friends become strangers and Strangers become friends. I see that happening already. I'm hurt that it's happening. The few friends I need now more then ever are becoming strangers. Those friends of ours that have commented on our blogs or MySpaces or email are not who I'm talking about. It's those that I haven't heard a word from. I know they know about Jack, so why? Why would you hide from me? Why won't you reach out? All I need to hear is that you are sorry and that you care. I miss you, I need you. I may not answer my phone at the time, but I need to hear from you. I don't want to be strangers.

Don't be afraid to talk to us about Jack, I'm already thinking about him all the time. I wake up thinking about Jack. I sit at work missing Jack. Today in the middle of a phone call, for no reason, I found myself losing it and I tried to finish up before my crackling voice gave my tears away. I escaped to my car to cry. There's no use in trying to stop crying, it doesn't work. When you think you can't possibly have anymore tears a new wave flows out. I think my coworkers are getting used to seeing my sunglasses on inside, I don't know how else to hide my eyes.

At the end of the night my eyes are burning, chest is tight and I have a dry throat. I try to "get lost" in a TV show, but it's so hard to relax. I feel guilty when I laugh or even smile. Not so much when it's just me and Jory. He's the one person who understands this insanity. He knows if I laugh, it's not me forgetting Jack. I know Jack would want us to be happy but that doesn't seem to help. I miss him more than you can possibly imagine.

Life is so different now. So lonely. So sad. I won't ever "get over" losing Jack. I will always miss him, I will always love him. I will always celebrate his birthday and mourn the day he died. I will cry for him until I'm able to smile for him.

Mama misses you Jack!


Jory said...

I'm sorry and I care. My heart is broken.

tom said...

I think you guys are awesome! April and I are also very sorry for your loss.

Luckily y'all have each other..

Regina said...

Robby and I have struggled ourselves to understand your loss. We've cried together and grieved for you both and Jack and wished we could be of help in some way. After reading your post describing your experience I just lost it. I tried to think of something to say to let you know I had read it and what it meant to me, but I was too emotional to even think straight right then. Right now is only slightly better, but I want to say that we are deeply sorry that you are enduring the loss of Jack. I know there's nothing more important in this life than your son. Nothing to compare to the love and connection. We love you and think of you often and hope your family and friends can help ease the pain even just a little.

jerry said...

I know you don't know me Joey, and I find that after reading your posts I am left speachless most of the time, like now.

I have no idea what your dealing with, I have no advice, no way of understanding.

I am just writing this to let you know that more people then you know, are sorry, confused, bewildered and hurt by your loss of Jack.

Victoria said...

Reading through your blogs brought me to tears. Words can't express how sorry I am to hear of your loss Joey, but I am sorry, and I do care.

Mr. E Mann said...

I really wish we could have dropped stuff here and come to visit you two and talk in person. It seems that anything I try to say on the blog or would say on the phone wouldn't properly convey how we feel for you guys right now.

I can't imagine the strength required to cope with work at a time like this. You are brave parents to face all the emotions you are dealing with and we're so glad you two have eachother to help face them.

We love you both.
The Mannimals

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