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Monday, March 05, 2007

Biopsy Results and a little bit of Jack

Finally some good news from my doctor, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't look as good with my new Britney-do. When you've had as much bad luck and bad news as Jory and I have, you HAVE to prepare yourself for the worst. You may not talk out loud about your fears but they're there and they don't shut up when it's time for bed.

Obviously that's not the only cause of my insomnia, March 1st was the 6 month mark since Jack died. It doesn't feel like it's been six months. I started writing about the six month mark but it was clouded with my fear of the biopsy results. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not. I'm afraid of suffering before dying. Thankfully I'm good and can only hope that this year will be a better one.

...a bit of Jack
I finally ordered Jack's birth/death announcements and will be sending them out this weekend, hopefully. I had worried that it had been too long to send them, but I don't want to regret never sending them and I feel like it's my way of honoring him. I also figured it was a way to "share" a bit if Jack with everyone.

I was so stressed about the 6 month mark since experiencing the 1st month mark. But there's nothing special about 6 months. Everyday is the same, they are all days without Jack. Learning to live this new "normal" life without Jack is so hard. I think I've allowed my medical issues to distract me from grieving. I stop myself when the tears start flowing instead of allowing it to happen and getting it out. It just hurts so bad. I don't want to feel the pain but it's there and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do or how to make it better. I don't know how to fill the hole in my heart. I don't know how to find that happy medium between doing what I can to not feel and hurting so much I can't get out of bed. I know trying to live in denial is only delaying my grief to one day blow up and push me over the edge.

I wish there was a "How To Grieve For The Son You Worked So Hard For 8 Years To Conceive, Only To Have Him Be Born Too Early And Die When Your Body Fails Him" Book. But there is no such book so I do what I can to make it through the day and hope that one day I can wake up, think of Jack and smile.

We miss you so much Jack! We look for your star every night, which has been perched right above our patio lately. It's been nice having you shine down on us. Keep on shining my little star!
Love you, Mama


Michelle said...

I am so happy and relieved to hear that the biopsy results came back benign. Keep me posted!

Much Love!

tom said...

i think you should shave your head anyways. Jory has enough hair for both of you...

glad all is well!

Eric, Athena, Matrim, and Aviendha said...

Wonderful news about the biopsy!!
LOL, I don't think they make clippers strong enough to shave that mane of yours. ;)

We're excited to get our "little bit of Jack"! :)

Joey said...

I must say it was kind of odd walking out of the Dr.'s office with good news. Jory and I sort of looked at each other and commented about how nice t was to hear good news, it's been so long.

I'm so not shaving my head, I don't have a cute enough face to pull it off. (No, I'm not fishing for compliments, let's be honest, not many girls do.)

Regina said...

So glad to hear the results were positive. 2007 is an auspicous year for the Chinese so maybe some of the good fortune will come to you too.

I am glad that you will be sending out your announcements...I truly believe you should do what feels right and do what you need to do to get through your days. We are here thinking of you and wishing you the very best.


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