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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I must confess

Liz Claiborne dies at 78

Very few people know the fashion designer dream I once had...and well, threw away. ANYWAY....After high school graduation my friends Juli and Andrea and I decided to have one last adventure together before we all moved on with our lives. The decision of where to go was easily made. My fashion mentor Gloria was taking a group of students to Manhattan to see first hand the New York fashion scene. They were not only going to shop on 5th Avenue and visit a few up and coming design houses, but they were going to meet Liz Claiborne at one of her stores on Pier 17 (South Street Seaport). You know The LIZ CLAIBORNE that people thought was Satanic, which is the only real reason I liked her, her style was way too conservative for me. If that wasn't enough, the trip was going to be fairly cheap considering it included seeing Broadway shows: Cats, Beauty and the Beast, Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera (a special showing with Michael Crawford, the original Phantom, he left the show in 1990). I totally fell asleep in much club hoppin' at night I guess. OH and I LOVED Beauty and the Beast, it was my favorite show!

Back to Liz...I have no idea what day of the trip this was, but we took the subway from our hotel, The Marriott Marquee in Time Square (Jealous?) to Pier 17. I wore the wrong shoes, doc martens, OUCH! Anyway, after a few hours of shopping in all the stores, we made our way to Liz's store. We walked in and I remember saying out loud..."And people think she's Satanic?" Her clothes could be found on the modern day Stepford Wife...well I guess that is sort of creepy, Satanic? not so much. I kept checking price tags expecting to see $400 for a shirt, but they were reasonably priced for NY. I wondered over to the bathroom and decided to stop in while we were still waiting for the meet and greet. No one likes a mid-meeting pisser. To my surprise or naivety there were clothing products in the bathroom for sell! I thought it was an invitation for theft and they really shouldn't put products in the bathroom! I eyeballed some knee high tights that felt like heaven in my hands, I had to have them. I don't remember them being very expensive but the opportunity of stealing them was screaming at me so I did. I tossed them in my bag, used the facilities and left the room. Half way through the fashion show (ya I forgot until now they put on a fashion show just for us) I had forgotten about my thieving ways. When we returned to the hotel that night, I shared my indiscretion with my friends. Their mouths gaped for a moment and we all laughed!

Back to my point...Liz, may you rest in peace and I sincerely apologize for stealing your socks!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Introducing Haiden Christopher

My baby brother Christopher and his fiance Fawn, welcomed my very first nephew to the world on June 3, 2007. He was 6 lbs 10 oz and 19 1/2" long. He looks exactly like Christopher did as a baby. I'll be posting more photos and videos as I receive them.

And here's my napping nephew!

Christopher tells Haiden to say Hi to aunt Joey and Haiden is either waving at me or telling me FUCK OFF! LOL

Here's the little guy trying to run from a diaper change!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day

I've been just as concerned about Jory on this day, as I was for myself on Mother's Day. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to Jack for making me a mother, it's all I've ever wanted. I never expected to be a mother of an "angel". So many of the mothers I've met through the MISS Foundation or my other online support groups are so Proud to be "Mother's of an Angel". It's still so fresh and painful for me to be Proud, if that's even the right word. But I feel like I'm never going to be OK with Jack's death. I want to be like those mothers who have started foundations in the name of their child and who can talk about their babies with smiles on their faces. I don't feel like I'll ever be that strong. If I was asked to speak to a group about Jack, I'd have to decline because I wouldn't make it in the building without crying.

While I was in Utah recently for my oldest brother's wedding, I had a huge break down. I had left after the dinner with Shane and Jessie to pick up my luggage and rental car, then drove back to the lodge the wedding was held at and when I walked in the doors I saw my aunt Sheri and uncle Jon. Sitting on Jon's lap was my cousin's baby boy who was born a week after Jack's due date. My aunt kept going on and on about our dogs (they are Mazzy & Jimi's breeders) and I stood there in shock, staring at this baby boy, seeing exactly how big Jack would be, trying to put it out of my head while answering her questions about how big Jimi is. I ended up having to walk away, making some excuse about needing to tell my mom something. As I walked in the kitchen area my mind continued to race....The wedding was over hours ago, dinner was over hours ago, Why in the HELL would they show up with the baby, knowing I was going to be there? Of course they wouldn't think anything of it, They haven't lost a baby so they wouldn't think about things like this. They had no idea I would react this way....I had no idea I'd react like this. My eyes started watering, I mentioned to my mom I had to leave, I can't possibly stay and help clean up with a baby the same age as Jack would have been in the building. On my way out, Sheri asked another dog question and I just kept walking. All I wanted to do was get out of there without having to see the baby again. I felt horrible for being so rude, but I knew I was going to lose it. My mom walked out behind me and I just kept walking until my feet didn't work anymore, be that only 4 steps further and I collapsed on the closest car to me. I couldn't stop crying, my soul was screaming for my baby, my Jack.

WHY does she get to have her baby? What did I do wrong? Why did she have to bring him? How am I ever going to deal with seeing him in the future? When he's 5 years old and starting school, I will think of the first day of kindergarden for Jack that we won't get to have. He will always be a reminder of what we are missing with Jack. Living in Arizona makes it a little bit easier because I won't see him that often, but when we are, he is what I will always be avoiding.

Christopher's wedding is coming in August. Do I ask them not to bring him? Is that going too far? Wouldn't they understand? How many events can I keep him from being there? It's not his fault that he represents not having Jack to me, but how could I ever love him and spoil him as I would any other cousin's child? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

What's strange is my other cousin had a baby girl the same week, I don't feel the same way about her, I'm assuming it's because she's a girl not a boy. She doesn't represent Jack to me, she probably would have been Jack's fast friend or "kissing cousin" but it's not the same. Of course it hurts to hear that her mother drops her off at my aunts house for a few hours to go party and doesn't return until the next day. It hurts when my mother calls me and tells me that she wishes we had her instead.

I guess I've been lucky so far and haven't had a baby pushed in my face yet. Christopher's baby boy has been my only test. It's honestly the most confused my feelings have ever been. I'm so happy and excited to be a first time aunt. I'm depressed that I live so far away and will miss so much of him growing up. I beg for more and more pictures and threaten death everyday I hear that he hasn't borrowed the video camera from my mom to take videos of little Haiden yawning, stretching and just being a baby. But at the same time, all the little things he's doing with Haiden, we didn't get to do with Jack. I'm jealous of everything he is experiencing, but so happy that he's getting the chance to fulfill his dream of having one of his own. He was already the best dad to her three girls, but there's nothing like seeing your own little person that you created. That instant falling in love, the deepest love you will ever feel for your own child.

I only wish I could be stronger so I could have flown in to meet my little nephew at the hospital, but I knew that was a task I wasn't ready for. Just driving by the hospital where Jack was born is hard enough. I can't even imagine how it will be if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and have to walk through those same doors to give birth again.

This was supposed to be about Jory and how today is Father's Day and how I've been thinking of him and Jack all day long. I'm sorry I couldn't be home with you today Jory. I hope the dogs kept you busy and the thought of our new house and your new job brought a smile to your face.
I love you more.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Moab Photos Posted

I've finally taken the time (at work) to upload all our Moab pics. Check them out on my photo blog, Joey's Photos.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

You're as old as Dirt and Rocks and Dinosaurs.
Mom, Dad, oldest bro Jason, his new wife Pim.
Wait...let's zoom in and see the dad I really know.

Yep, there he is!

He also became a Grandpa for the 2nd time three days ago. I bet getting another grandson was a pretty good Birthday present. Especially since this one gets to go home and get spoiled!

More on baby Haiden later...

Monday, June 04, 2007

Before and After...and a quick update.

I don't have time to update you all on Everything Johnson so for now, here is a Before and After of our fridge situation.

This is a mini fridge, originally borrowed from our friend Keara during my surgery. She so kindly agreed to let us "store" it for her, which happen to come in handy when we recently moved into our new house and didn't yet have a fridge. Sorry the photo is so dark, it was taken at night with my cell phone.

This is our fancy new Frigidaire Professional we purchased this past Saturday, it was delivered and installed this morning. I've always been Anti-side by side style but this one is 26.9 Cu. Ft! You could store an average size adult in that puppy...not that we'll be doing that.

Ok, here's a quick update...We moved out of our apartment Thursday night, well technically at 6:30 am Friday morning when we gave up on shampooing the carpets. Moved into the Holiday Inn Express and Suites near our work places Thursday afternoon, but technically didn't spend any time there until 7 am Friday morning. Jory woke up later, went to work. I got the call that there was GOING TO BE power at the house no later then 5 pm Friday so we needed to check out of the hotel and officially move into our house. I drove over to the house to find no electricity, which meant no A/C which meant sweating my ass off until SRP (the power company) decided to get off their ass and come turn on my power. I said quick update, didn't I?
OK so long story short, a different SRP van drove up, I asked if he was here to save my life, he said no, I said WHAT? he said he'd call in...................he felt bad for me so he turned my power on and after a quick call from the builder I figured out how to turn the damn A/C on!

blah blah blah....We have power, we have A/C, we don't however have power in any of the three bedrooms, the disposal doesn't work and the washer drain is not complete and the garage door hasn't been hooked up to power....the list goes on. Our hair turns more grey everyday!

We're hoping to close on the house no later then this Friday, THAT'S RIGHT we haven't even closed yet. If we don't close by Friday, the seller will have to fork out another $300 to keep our interest rate locked.

Anyway that's enough for now...time to go home to our no Internet and no TV.

Peace out!

Donate for My Kindness Project to Honor Jack!