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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Father's Day

I've been just as concerned about Jory on this day, as I was for myself on Mother's Day. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to Jack for making me a mother, it's all I've ever wanted. I never expected to be a mother of an "angel". So many of the mothers I've met through the MISS Foundation or my other online support groups are so Proud to be "Mother's of an Angel". It's still so fresh and painful for me to be Proud, if that's even the right word. But I feel like I'm never going to be OK with Jack's death. I want to be like those mothers who have started foundations in the name of their child and who can talk about their babies with smiles on their faces. I don't feel like I'll ever be that strong. If I was asked to speak to a group about Jack, I'd have to decline because I wouldn't make it in the building without crying.

While I was in Utah recently for my oldest brother's wedding, I had a huge break down. I had left after the dinner with Shane and Jessie to pick up my luggage and rental car, then drove back to the lodge the wedding was held at and when I walked in the doors I saw my aunt Sheri and uncle Jon. Sitting on Jon's lap was my cousin's baby boy who was born a week after Jack's due date. My aunt kept going on and on about our dogs (they are Mazzy & Jimi's breeders) and I stood there in shock, staring at this baby boy, seeing exactly how big Jack would be, trying to put it out of my head while answering her questions about how big Jimi is. I ended up having to walk away, making some excuse about needing to tell my mom something. As I walked in the kitchen area my mind continued to race....The wedding was over hours ago, dinner was over hours ago, Why in the HELL would they show up with the baby, knowing I was going to be there? Of course they wouldn't think anything of it, They haven't lost a baby so they wouldn't think about things like this. They had no idea I would react this way....I had no idea I'd react like this. My eyes started watering, I mentioned to my mom I had to leave, I can't possibly stay and help clean up with a baby the same age as Jack would have been in the building. On my way out, Sheri asked another dog question and I just kept walking. All I wanted to do was get out of there without having to see the baby again. I felt horrible for being so rude, but I knew I was going to lose it. My mom walked out behind me and I just kept walking until my feet didn't work anymore, be that only 4 steps further and I collapsed on the closest car to me. I couldn't stop crying, my soul was screaming for my baby, my Jack.

WHY does she get to have her baby? What did I do wrong? Why did she have to bring him? How am I ever going to deal with seeing him in the future? When he's 5 years old and starting school, I will think of the first day of kindergarden for Jack that we won't get to have. He will always be a reminder of what we are missing with Jack. Living in Arizona makes it a little bit easier because I won't see him that often, but when we are, he is what I will always be avoiding.

Christopher's wedding is coming in August. Do I ask them not to bring him? Is that going too far? Wouldn't they understand? How many events can I keep him from being there? It's not his fault that he represents not having Jack to me, but how could I ever love him and spoil him as I would any other cousin's child? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

What's strange is my other cousin had a baby girl the same week, I don't feel the same way about her, I'm assuming it's because she's a girl not a boy. She doesn't represent Jack to me, she probably would have been Jack's fast friend or "kissing cousin" but it's not the same. Of course it hurts to hear that her mother drops her off at my aunts house for a few hours to go party and doesn't return until the next day. It hurts when my mother calls me and tells me that she wishes we had her instead.

I guess I've been lucky so far and haven't had a baby pushed in my face yet. Christopher's baby boy has been my only test. It's honestly the most confused my feelings have ever been. I'm so happy and excited to be a first time aunt. I'm depressed that I live so far away and will miss so much of him growing up. I beg for more and more pictures and threaten death everyday I hear that he hasn't borrowed the video camera from my mom to take videos of little Haiden yawning, stretching and just being a baby. But at the same time, all the little things he's doing with Haiden, we didn't get to do with Jack. I'm jealous of everything he is experiencing, but so happy that he's getting the chance to fulfill his dream of having one of his own. He was already the best dad to her three girls, but there's nothing like seeing your own little person that you created. That instant falling in love, the deepest love you will ever feel for your own child.

I only wish I could be stronger so I could have flown in to meet my little nephew at the hospital, but I knew that was a task I wasn't ready for. Just driving by the hospital where Jack was born is hard enough. I can't even imagine how it will be if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and have to walk through those same doors to give birth again.

This was supposed to be about Jory and how today is Father's Day and how I've been thinking of him and Jack all day long. I'm sorry I couldn't be home with you today Jory. I hope the dogs kept you busy and the thought of our new house and your new job brought a smile to your face.
I love you more.

2 comments:

Jonathan said...

I can't say I've been in your position, you know me and Jenni's history - but I can say my parents have been - twice. I'm going to tell you a story, not to take away from your angel Jack, but to maybe help in some way.

My mom's first child - born while my dad was out to sea, born to a scared and worried mother. My mom was a nurse, and as soon as she was born they whisked her away from my mom. She knew something was wrong, she'd worked in hospitals before, she knew the looks, the actions, the rebuked questions of hers. They whisked the baby away and left the lone and scare women to never get to see her child again. They explained to her that the child had complications, there were problems, but they never let her see her. Even through my mom's pleas and cries - they kept her away, and she died. The nurses gave her a lit of names to pick from to give her one, to use for a birth and death certificate. She picked the name Heavenly. She was my oldest sister.

I was about 3 or so when my mom had another girl. She was born, but had problems. She had a hole in her heart, but I remember her coming home, I remember holding her and loving her. I remember her name. Her name was Kathrine. She was my baby sister. I remember her for 6 months, then she was gone. I don't remember my sadness, but I remember my parents sadness. They were sad for a long time. I think it's only been with in the last few years that we can talk about both of them, I even made a video of pictures of Kathrine for my mom and she loved it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, stop worrying about if you'll get over Jack - you will when you will, he'll be there, waiting for you- ready for you to raise him and love him, and to be the mom you've always wanted to be. I bet he'd be a rad little hippy boy with tie-dye and petrulie. Just don't lock him up in your heart, like my parents did for so long.

I'd give ya hug (hey i'm even manly enough to give jory a hug too) if you were here!

Mr. E Mann said...

I should have called Jory on Father's Day but I'm horrible at situations that aren't fun or emergencies and still have trouble even keeping my head around the quantity of the loss you've both suffered let alone what comforting I can say. We love you guys and are still heart sick for the bad luck (that's all it can be because you both deserved NOTHING like this)!

Also we are still waiting for a Jack package...when you're ready.

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