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Monday, November 05, 2007

In a Mood

This happens when I'm overly concerned and consumed by the state of my friend. I think it's been confused in the past and I was actually diagnosed Bipolar. I'm not in denial or anything but from going the last 7 years without Prozac, Lithium, Clorozepate or Depakote I'm pretty sure it had to be a bad it possible to cure bipolar disorder? I don't think so. Have short term bouts of the disorder? I doubt it. I'm not denying that I have big time depression, there's no doubt about that and it's not just because of losing Jack. I've dealt with depression my entire life. One of my doctors actually had me go tanning in the winter because my depression would get so bad with no sun in the sky. I've been crippled by depression, months on end without leaving the house. I once lost 40 pounds in 30 days for not eating because I never really got out of bed. It was shortly after that incident that I was diagnosed. The psychiatrist described me as wild and obviously wired, she asked me if I was high on speed. I wasn't. She took me into her bathroom and showed me how dilated my pupils were in the mirror. I feel like that person when I'm at work. It's become a place I hate so much, I'm either holding back tears thinking about Jack all day or I'm a crackhead energizer bunny who can't help but be funny, while picking on others. I don't really like that person, she laughs and inside I cry because I'm not happy and I don't know why I can't just be. I can't wait to get home to vegetate in my comfort zone. Every show I seem to watch is now obsessed with death of a baby story lines. Grey's Anatomy had 3 in a row, the last one I remembered was the still born baby. Brothers and Sisters is dealing with Tommy's wife having twins and both were not going to make it unless they made a choice and save the girl, so William the baby boy died. Now Kitty having a miscarriage. Or tonight on Lisa Williams, she did a reading for a mother who lost her 6 year old son, he told her he was coming back, that his sister was pregnant and he was coming back through her. I believe in Lisa Williams, she's fucking amazing. It confirms my beliefs in never really know for us, as it is faith, but it really confirmed it for me. Does that mean that Jack could come back if we got pregnant again? Sure. It's not like we would name our next son Jack or anything, another baby is not going to replace him, that's not what it's about. But the reminder that it's possible does something for my heart...I'm not sure what. I'm not saying it heals my heart any not even a tiny bit, but it does something for it. I know this post is all over the place, that's what happens when I'm in this mood. There is no name for this mood, other then i recognize it like an old friend, not one I really like, but one that I remember. One that I thought was long gone. One that I didn't really care to meet again. But this too shall pass. This old friend, the mood also gives me the balls to post this without reading it over and over a hundred times to make sure I made sense, spelled everything right, Capitalized all sentence starting words and don't forget those i's. I lied, I just re-read the last two sentences. I'm done.


Joey said...

Now I sound like the crazy one.

Jory said...

You just commented your own blog....FIRST! You are CRAAAAZY, ohhhooohhhhoooohhhhh, CRAAAAAZAAAY!

Jonathan said...

Alright, since it makes me sad to see my friends sad - I'll lay out a story. Now you can take it how ever you like, but personally it's not so much reincarnation that I believe in, but more of a higher power, that binds us to who is suppose to be with us (ahhh did that make sense?). What I'm trying to say is, we love

Okay, on to the story - and it's going to get long, so sit back, microwave some popcorn or start braiding Jory's hair...

Back 10 years ago I found out I had gotten a girl pregnant. I knew she was, even before she called and told me - I even knew it was a boy - can't verify it, but I felt it. But there were problems, first she didn't know what to do and I told her I would do whatever she needed. Well what she wanted to do I couldn't. I begged and pleaded with her, my parents even said they would take the baby and adopt it. But needless to say, she'd have none of it. She hung up the phone and wouldn't talk to me again. Oh I sank with that one, it was nearing Christmas and pretty much through a black cloud over me. I knew she'd do it, I bet you could have asked me back then and I would told you when it happened without even knowing really. So some months later I finally tracked her down and had a minute to talk to her. It broke my heart to hear her say what she did...
At any rate - I moved on from that, married your best friend and found she was pregnant. Well from the first hint, it had come over me very strongly that the baby coming was the baby that was terminated a year before. Whether it's true, factual or some crazy person's fantasy makes no difference to me, I felt it and that's all that matters. Alex is my first born and was always suppose to be, he came back because he was suppose to be part of my family. That's how I feel and ain't nobody gonna change it...
So maybe Jack's still out there, or still to come back. Through adoption or through pregnancy...if he's meant to be in your family it'll happen (now granted this also accounts for the here-after so it may take place then too).
My take on depression - did you know I suffer from it? In fact I suffer pretty bad bouts, not like I use to but I do get them. When I was younger, back in highschool I would get so bad off, I'd switch sleeping schedules to day time, I'd avoid everyone all summer long, I'd sit in our basement and cry for hours at a time. Sure, I never showed it to anyone, i don't think anyone every knew how depressed I was, or what I did once to deal with it. I guess you might even call me bi-polar, though my cycles run very slowly, and often last for very little time now (like my depression doesn't last long anymore) But it's because I guess I figured out how to deal with it in my own way. I can feel it coming, and so I force it along faster, through some depressing music on get it going full steam then write. Whether I publish it or not, I write. I've always written to deal with it and it makes it go away faster, and hurt less. I've never been on medication for it because stuff like that scares I figured I was tough enough to do it on my own (I've got others close to me that are or were on them and it wasn't always good)...Now I also got my wifey...I have slowly found an ability to open it up to her and lean on her...
But just remember - you've got a good hubby and good family and friends to lean on!

Well I hope that doesn't make it worse or anything...

Joey said...

Jon, I appreciate you sharing your story with me and the world...well my other readers at least. It shows how much you care and I appreciate that.
We could have spent our summers crying together LOL! My parents thought I was just lazy because I slept all day, even though they knew I was up all night. Also the reason I found drugs and alcohol were not just fun but medicating.
I also write as a form of therapy, it was actually the original reason I started blogging so many years ago. I have always journaled, so blogging seemed so natural to me. I didn't know at the time that it was going to be what it has become. I had to change how I blogged, leave some things out to protect myself as well as well as mother found my blog, at first it freaked me out, it was like she found one of my journals and was reading them...then I realized, I'm an adult, she can read it, maybe get to know me, the real me but as we found out this past January, she wasn't ready for that.
ANYWAY...I do have a fabulous husband who's a pretty good listener, definitely a better hugger.
As far as friends go, most of my communication with them is via email or text messages since we moved so far away. Most all of them (including you guys) have kids and I ASSUME have better things to to do then listen to me vent. I haven't talked to a friend on the phone (other then my sick friend) since Oct. 6th. I do have a friend here in AZ, but we work opposite shifts now so I don't see her often. This is beginning to seem like a pity party. I'm not trying to pity party over here, just realize that it's been awhile since I talked to anyone other then Jory, my family or my sick friend.
Although...I must admit and should have written, or maybe I have recently but not on this post, I'm thinking of finding a professional to talk to. With the future cancer, death of Jack, current health issues, lack of fertility and sick friend I think I could use a professional "waste basket" to vomit my stress to. I'll be looking into it soon, I'm not sure why I've been waiting, but now I have to wait until we get back from Florida which is 28 days away!
Thanks again for your friendship and your thoughts, don't worry there's no making it worse. ;)
Love ya!

p.s. I'm feeling better. Not so crazy today, even yesterday was a good day.

tom said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel with the depression. I dom't think it's a secret that i've been crippled by this for most of my life

I don't know if i should be telling you this but in September, i had a bout of depression SO BAD, that i SERIOULY contemplated suicide, I mean SERIOUSLY. I made a list of about 15 ways to off myself. As a matter of fact, my family, April, and my doctor were so scared to leave me alone that i spent about a week at the University NeuroPsychology Institute with all the detoxers. It was THAT bad.

sorry to unload that on you.

Jonathan, you have NO IDEA how meds can help you, i didn't believe in them either, but they work wonders

tom said...

Therapy works!

Joey said...

I've been speechless for days since I read your comment...I didn't know. I'm glad you are getting help and feeling better.
Meds do work, as I wrote in the post, I have been on many.
It makes me sick to think about losing you...don't ever do that again! Or I'll have to kick your ass!
We love you Tom, call us anytime!

tom said...

You didn't know i have depression? I have an EXTREMELY severe case. It's hereditary, it's the family curse.

I'm doing better, the meds make my mood pretty stable, which means that i'm not depressed but i'm not happy either. Nothing gets me excited, or joyful, etc. So that kinda sucks. I feel like a robot sometimes. Oh well, i'll that the later as opposed to the former. I've never had any episode like the one in Sept. I was feeling so dark and hopeless and unable to do anything about it, i felt my life was at a dead end and whats the point in continuing. I figured suicide gets you a one-way ticket to Hell, but i was already there, so how bad could it be?

The meds also make my tired ALL the time and i have no appetite. I need to force myself to eat. There have been several days when i haven't eaten anything at all, i'm don't even feel hungry. I know its not healthy, but whaddya do?

It's nice to have people that care. I realize the suicide is selfish and affects WAY more people than one would think. I miss you guys, thanks for the concern and tell Jory Hi from me. M'kay?

Joey said...

Hopefully you got my email?

tom said...

yup. i got it, thanks again Joey. Youre the coolest girl named Joey that i know!

You're a great friend. Jory landed himself a good one!

Joey said...


Mr. E Mann said...

Jesus, what have I stumbled into! Funny how we all think it's just us who is feeling so awful and that others must be healthy and happy as they usually seem. Apparently we all are or have been severely depressed, self-medicating individuals... There's few things worse than being at the mercy of depression, bi-polar, etc. What we all need to keep in mind is that we aren't the only ones and we all have each other to talk to and lean on as friends with a lot in common. I love you guys!

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