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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Peace Out 2008

In case I don't find the energy to post when I get home, I'll put a few words down now.

I'm sorry for the ranting and crazy posts, you know which one I'm talking about. Sometimes I have to vomit that shit out of my head, otherwise I might really go crazy. I'm So not joking. Part of my emotional insanity right now is being festered by my intense body aches and constant exhaustion. I just assumed I was getting the flu, but after complaining to a couple friends, they brought up The Dreaded Mono. The aches started while we were in Freezing Ass Cold Utah and I figured once we got home to our own bed and my body warmed up, I'd feel better. That day hasn't come and I'm feeling worse every hour. Last weekend my back (which always aches due to the size of "my ladies") was so bad, I decided to take a Vicodin (left over from my Mono aches). I finally found peace and could comfortably relax on the couch without constantly changing least for a few hours.

Last night I took another Vicodin, but decided I should just try to go to bed since I was already falling asleep on the couch. Around 5:00 AM, I woke up in a puddle of my own sweat. A Puddle. Of Sweat! I'm not kidding, it was gross. Night sweats is also a part of Mono. When I was out this summer with Mono, I would literally soak through my pillows! PLEASE PLEASE don't let me have Mono again. I know it's quite likely, stress can bring it back in a pinch. I will be making a doctor's appointment very soon, just to check. I just thought the stress and grief of losing my dad was causing me to feel like I couldn't get enough sleep, I've been napping on my lunches since I got back as well. I really do Not want Mono to raise it's ugly head again, but I'm not sure I have a choice in this matter.

So overall 2008 will be remembered as the year of the Continuation of the Utah Curse:
2008's Triple Threat: Pneumonia, Bronchitis, & Mono all from one trip.

And the extremely painful loss of my dad, which I'm still not ready to write about, as far as feelings go.

AND...the exciting yet stressful early arrival of Sara & Carl's Little Cree Princess Aysa on Christmas Eve. The strong and feisty little "Nugget" is doing great and should be joining her parents home soon enough.

Crossing fingers for a better year in 2009.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Are You All Really This Retarded?

Sitting at my desk, someone comes up behind me, gives me a half hug, half pat on the back.

"How are you doing"

I shrug my shoulders, "Shitty".

"Still? I mean, ya I guess but really?

I look at her with a shocked face that should have said something to the effect of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm sorry, have I reached my grief expiration date already? But instead with that look, I said "Yes, really".

"Well I guess you do have a lot to deal with as far as his estate and stuff."

Ya, that's what's causing me to want to slit my wrists! WTF people? Are you all really this retarded? Or just the people I'm forced to communicate with during particular hours? Don't get me wrong, I like the person who talked to me, she's a good person. But did everyone miss their sensitivity training growing up? Why is the general consensus to Get Over It? Is it just me? Is this excruciatingly hard for me because I lost my son Jack just 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks ago and now my dad? The dad that I just started rebuilding a relationship with in the last 10 years. Am I a Debbie Downer now? Everyone tired of seeing my grief? Is that why my blog readership has dropped by 75%? It's too depressing?

Well it's my life and I don't get why people can't understand that. It took EIGHT FUCKING years to get pregnant with Jack, the bad luck continued when I also happened to have Incompetent Cervix causing him to come too early and he FUCKING DIED. MY BABY BOY DIED! He's not home running around asking what everything is and why it all works a million times. We didn't get to help him leave out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve night and we didn't get to be woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas morning by him exciting to open presents. We didn't get to see him run out to the presents under the tree with big eyes excited to see what Santa brought. We didn't get to take him around the neighborhood to see all the pretty lights. And we sure as hell didn't get to spend Christmas with my dad as we had planned!

As I said, it's been 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks (plus the original 8 years) and I'm still NOT pregnant! I may not ever get pregnant again and the fact that I don't have the rest of my life to try, SUCKS ASS! The fact that I HAVE to have my ovaries removed because I have Serous Cystadenomas FUCKING SUCKS! I'm going to be THAT GIRL that all she ever wanted in life was to have babies, the one and only time she did get pregnant her body fucked it all up and forced her perfectly healthy baby boy out of the womb, causing him to DIE. Why do I have to be that girl? I went through enough growing up, I shouldn't have to keep "learning these lessons". I don't want all these things to happen to me to make me stronger. Let me be weak, I am weak.

FUCK YOU Retarded People!

Now that I've taken a lunch, I feel all bad because this anger isn't meant for my friends and family that have done so much for us. And maybe this anger is the part of grief I'm being drown by. But I'm pissed and I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm freaking out and I don't know how else to let it out. I don't know what else to do with myself. My heart hurts and I can't seem to cry enough to mend it. I don't know why when I'm at work I feel so emotional and ready to break. When I'm at home, it's better. I'm with Jory or I can zone out or nap at will. I guess home is safe and I can be alone. Maybe it's just people then? And their "How are you today" bullshit. I'm tired of lying and saying "fine". I'm not fine.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Every moment...So I won't ever forget.

It keeps repeating over and over in my head. Tuesday, December 9, 2008, I was working from home, during my lunch (2:15 PM) I had just sat down on the couch to eat when I got the phone call. My sister in law Jessie asked me if I was at my desk. I explained that I was working from home and currently on my lunch. "Why, what's up?" I asked her. Once she started with "sweetie" I knew someone was hurt. I held my breath praying that Shane was OK. I don't really remember the words she said, I just kept waiting to hear Shane was OK. Something about an accident and she was really sorry but my dad didn't make it, he had passed away.

I remember being confused because she didn't say Shane. "WHAT?" I said desperately. She repeated the story and said she was so sorry. I started bawling, saying "No" over and over again. I asked about Shane, she told me that he was on his way to pick her up and they were heading to Logan to my grandma's house. While I cried she told me that our ex step sister Jodi had been calling her the last couple hours over and over but because she was working she didn't respond. It wasn't until my grandma called her that she thought something might be wrong. That's when she called her back and found out that dad had a heart attack or so they assumed. Someone found his body up near his cabin, no one knows how long he had been up there. She said she would call me when they got to Logan and found out more.

I called Jory's cell and he didn't answer. I needed him home with me Now so I called his work number. I struggled to tell him that my dad had died and just saying the words caused me to fall apart. I had to repeat myself because he couldn't understand me while I was crying. He stayed on the phone with me while I calmed down a little and said he would be home as soon as possible.
Shortly after I hung up with Jory, Shane called me. We both cried and felt desperate for more information, neither of us knew more then the other. He was heading into the canyon so he promised to call me the minute they got to Logan.

Not knowing who knew and needing someone to be there, I called my mom and she sounded shocked that I obviously knew, since I was crying. She asked me who told me, which I explained. She said she had called Jory and left him a voice mail to call her ASAP. She wanted to tell him and have him be the one to tell me. I understood her motive, but what a big task that would be for anyone. She was headed over to my grandma's house to get more information; she would call me when she got there.

The not knowing ANYTHING was killing me. Had he been out in the freezing cold snow since Thanksgiving when I had talked to him? Had animals been feeding on him? Had he been in pain? Did he suffer? Why hadn't anyone found him sooner? Why did I tell him I thought it was a good idea to be at the cabin alone, enjoy the peace and quiet for once? Why had I stressed so much about him coming down for Christmas? I had told Shane two days before how stressed I was about getting the house clean to his standards and how angry I would be if he made plans to come down, getting my hopes up only to have them canceled. I was feeling so guilty for all of that. Why didn't I jump at the chance of having him come see me, isn't that what I had always wanted my entire life, have him take the time to come see me? To want to be in my life.

That future I had always dreamed of was now gone, just like Jack, The one where we had a close relationship, now that his ex wife Cathy and her trouble causing daughter were finally out of the picture, allowing him to have more time for Shane and I. The future that had him holding the grandchild he'd always longed for in his arms, being so proud of me. I always thought that might help him slow down and enjoy the life he had worked so hard for. On Thanksgiving we had just talked about grand kids again. He told me how all he wanted was a grandchild from Shane or I, when I said he had one, he added "one I could take fishing", I knew what he meant and responded with "me too, dad". Knowing our problems conceiving, he would always add how he didn't care if his grandchild was adopted, he would love them the same. He just wanted to be a grandpa. I told him I was doing everything I could and that we would eventually adopt and he would definitely be a grandpa soon. He laughed and told me to "get on it". He told me he was excited to see me for Christmas, wished me a Happy Birthday the next day and said he loved me. I told him I loved him too and we hung up not knowing that was our last conversation.

After calling work and not knowing what to do with myself, I threw in laundry and started trying to organize and pack to leave to Utah. It seemed like hours had passed and I had just been running around in circles, I decided to call my mom for more information. She said his body was at a funeral home in Richfield and that we needed to leave tonight so we could be there tomorrow morning. She said from his cell phone it looked like he had talked to someone earlier that day so he wasn't out in the snow that long. I wished that gave me more relief, but in the state I was in, it didn't. I tried to feel better knowing he wasn't out there for days but it still didn't help me. She then put my grandma on the phone and she told me that Shane and I needed to get to Richfield to plan his funeral, since he wasn't married and we were his only children, it was left to us to decide. Those words changed the whole situation for me. I wasn't rushing to Utah to attend his funeral and grieve. We were rushing because WE HAD TO PLAN the funeral. We had to be adults and take care of his estate. As with Jack, I again didn't feel grown up enough to handle all the responsibilities. My grandma must have heard the stress in my voice and said she would be going down to Richfield too and would help with anything we needed. My mom got back on the phone and asked if we wanted her and Gary to come down too, of course we did.

I called Shane again, they were in Preston, ID and he told me then to meet him in Richfield tomorrow (Wednesday) morning. I wanted nothing more then to be with Shane at this moment. I have always looked to him not only as my brother or best friend but as a father figure. He's who I chose to walk me down the aisle for my wedding. He's always been there for me when my dad wasn't. Had Keara not been in New York, we would have already been on our way to the airport knowing she would take care of the dogs. Without her there, we knew we had no choice but to take Mazzy & Jimi with us, which meant driving.

At this point everything slowed down; I couldn't seem to move fast enough to get out of the house. While waiting for the laundry to dry, I booked a hotel room in Page, AZ. At that point I didn't think it would be good to drive straight through. Later while driving, I was so determined to get there, I could have driven all night. We finally got out of the house and for some strange reason it took us 5 hours to get to Flagstaff and another 3 to Page, it was like we really were in slow motion even though the speedometer clearly showed me speeding. We arrived in Page around 3:30 AM, got settled and I tried to sleep. My alarm went off at 6 AM and I was wide awake. I showered and repacked everything and finally got Jory up at 7:30. We were out the door around 8 AM and on the road.

I kept trying to take note not to speed too much, the roads were clear but I kept finding myself speeding over 90 mph just to get to Shane faster. Just north of Panguitch, UT I got pulled over by Highway Patrol in a gawd damn Charger! I woke Jory from his nap and filled him in. I knew he would ask me where I was going and figured I would have to play the dad card and would do my best not to burst into tears. As soon as he walked up he asked "Where ya headed today?". "Richfield", I replied. "What are you going to Richfield for?" he questioned. I felt the tears forming and for the second time I had to say the words, "My dad died yesterday and his body is in Richfield". You could tell he was surprised by my response and paused for a minute before saying he was sorry for my loss and asked if I knew I was going 81 in a 65 mph zone. I knew I had been going 89 when I saw him and slammed on my breaks but I lied and said I didn't. I apologized and told him I had probably zoned out, I was just trying to get there as fast as possible. He told me to hold tight and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back and again apologized for my loss and told me he'd give me a warning this time. He then asked for my dad's name and with a cracked voice I said, "Doyle Kendrick". He then told me to slow it down, he was sure my family would appreciate I arrive safely especially during this time.

We arrived in Richfield and met Shane at the gas station, he was with my ex step brother Jason who as far as I had known, dropped off the face of the earth about 10 years ago. In the quick conversation we had, he mentioned he was adopted by my dad when he was 17 years old. Isn’t that a strange comment to make in a quick five minute catch up conversation? Shane pulled me aside for a second and said Jason and his sister Jodi were already making demands on dad’s stuff. Jason wants his truck. HELLO Dad just fucking died, are we seriously already placing dibs on shit?

We followed Shane and Jason to Cathy's (ex step mother) house where everyone was waiting. I didn't want to see anyone but Shane at this time and felt awful for not appreciating my grandma, aunt and uncle more for being there, they would be my saving grace soon enough. After only chatting for a minute or two we rushed over to the funeral home, I thought we were going just to see dad, but we were hurried into a room to plan his funeral! Everything was happening so fast, why was Cathy there? I thought it was going to be me & Jory, Shane & Jessie, grandma and my aunt and uncle. I was immediately uncomfortable with Cathy, Jodi & Jason being in the room.

Assuming Jason was adopted, I guess he should be in there and since he was in there, then I guess it was OK for Jodi too but if there was going to be any discrepancies about what Shane and I wanted for Dad, we would definitely over-rule them. But I was really uncomfortable with Cathy. I know dad would be pissed knowing she was in there! Since no one had found a Will thus far, we were forced or at least I felt forced to make decisions right then.

Knowing dad would have wanted to be on the mountain and we couldn't bury him on the mountain, we decided to have a "viewing" for close friends and family and then cremate him. We'll go back up to the cabin in the spring or summer and have a Celebrate his life Memorial and spread or bury his ashes then. After that was set, it was time for the obituary. Still foggy, the lady just started asking for family names and what he enjoyed doing and she sort of wrote up an obit with the facts we gave her. It wasn't until the next day that we realized his girlfriend Donna's name wasn't listed anywhere. Shane and I felt horrible, and we later found out she was really upset, she said someone gave her the impression that we left her out on purpose. I'm sure that would have been Jodi or Cathy. They had already stepped on our toes by calling my dad's best friend to inform him my dad had died; when clearly Donna or Shane should have been the one to make this call. This was the beginning of the trouble we knew they would make of all of this.

At some point after the funeral arrangements, we found out that Donna and someone from work had talked to my dad on Tuesday just 20 minutes before his body was found. Knowing now that he hadn't been out there for very long at all was a huge relief to me. Finally feeling that much needed relief! Finding out that it was a fatal heart attack, that it was instant and he didn't suffer gave me a little bit of peace.

We were able to go downstairs and view his body, I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but knew I needed to, to make it real. He looked so good, like he was sleeping. I kept expecting him to open his eyes and sit up, like HA HA just joking! But he didn't, it was real. There was my dad, lying on the table, looking so alive yet not moving an inch. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but felt uncomfortable with everyone in there watching me. I should have asked to have some time alone, but I didn't.

After we left the funeral home, we headed over to the lawyer's office. This appointment was setup for me & Jory and Shane & Jessie, but of course, it somehow turned in to EVERYONE. The lawyer even questioned this, why everyone seemed to be there. With no real response, he said that he would answer general questions for us. He took down Shane, mine and Jason's names and information and continued to discuss "the three children". I didn't even venture a look at Jodi, knowing she would be fuming. It ended up being great that my aunt LaDawn was there, she asked all the tricky questions regarding my dad’s divorce from Cathy and how that would affect his retirement or remaining accounts. I was so thankful she was there!

My dad had talked to Shane, me and Donna as if there was a Will out there. He had specified that the cabin would be left to Shane and I. To never be sold and kept in the family forever. He had mentioned this Will to us so many times, it wasn't as if he was working on it, but that it had been written, signed and witnessed, but so far we have not found one. After meeting with the lawyer, we went to dinner, found a hotel room and went to bed really early.

Thursday morning we woke up early and headed up to dad's cabin on Monroe Mountain, above Koosharem. I can't describe my feelings, seeing his tire tracks, wondering where it was that he had pulled over, where his body last laid. As Shane & Jessie pointed out where the truck tracks changed into his 4wheeler tracks, I sat up in my seat, searching for every bit of evidence of my dad's last ride. We're lucky we got up there, one more snow storm and we wouldn't have made it up in the truck. There were parts where Shane had to back up and get a running start, even in his 4 wheel drive truck. We held on tight and hoped we wouldn't be sliding off the road or into a tree. When we got up to the creek, we could see where dad had taken the bridge he had built for the 4wheeler. We again had to back up and take a running start at the creek, breaking the ice for Keith, Scott and Devin behind us. Jory and I practically hit the ceiling as the truck bounced and broke through the ice in the creek. I thought my dad’s 4wheeler that was strapped in the back of Shane’s truck was going to bounce through the window and land on us!

As we walked in the cabin, I expected dad to walk around the corner and tell us it was about damn time we got up there. Of course he didn't and I teared up. Since everyone else was jumping to task of gathering all his personal belongings I decided to do the same. My job was to take pictures of everything, an inventory or sorts. I tied the dogs up and started taking pictures while searching for a Will. After a few hours of searching and getting the cabin winter-ready, no Will was found. Leaving the cabin was almost harder then going up. I wanted to stay up there, with my dad.

On our way back to Richfield, we stopped at my dad's storage garage to see what all was there, another desperate search for his Will, again it wasn't there. We planned another trip to empty the garage for the next day. That night we went to dinner and back to our hotel passing out early again.

Friday we woke up early again and headed back to Koosharem to empty out the garage. After which we went back to Richfield to the funeral home for Death Certificates and Walmart for funeral clothes. And again went out for dinner and back to the hotel for an early night. I couldn't seem to get enough sleep, I was so tired, yet we had so much to get done and no time to do it.

Saturday we woke up, took showers and headed out to the funeral. We had seen on the news that a horrible storm was coming through and as it started to snow in Richfield, we knew there were people in Salt Lake that might get stuck in the storm. We found out later that all the Granite guys had got stuck in Nephi and had to turn around.

As we walked in the viewing room, I could see dad lying in the coffin. I don't know if it was the absence of him in my life growing up, but I just couldn't accept that this was all happening, that it was real, that my dad was truly dead. Even now, in my head I can't stop seeing him laying there. All the funerals I have been to in my life were flashing through my mind, my Grandpa Thomas, Grandma Thomas, Jory's grandparents and my Grandpa Kendrick. How they all looked different, dead, not really like themselves. But there was my dad, not as pink cheeked as the few days before, but it was him. I held his hand and cried, trying not to truly let loose those feelings I've been stuffing so deep, for Jack and now for my dad. Those helpless, heartbroken feelings held tight in my throat even now. If I let those out, will I recover? Or will I fall into the deep dark hole of insanity and not be able to find my way back out? I'm sitting on the fence deciding whether I mind or not, then I think of Jory and my promise.

Seeing Cathy at the funeral enraged me. I did everything in my power to avoid her at all costs. A friend of my dad's had made a photo collage and set it up at the door. When Donna arrived, she added a photo of her and dad and Cathy the bitch took it down. Somehow Jodi ended up with it and put it back up but Cathy continued to take it down, that's how fucking evil she is.

We stood in a line as people came through for the viewing. When they got to Shane almost every person stopped while shaking his hand and stared, making comments about how he looks just like dad. It felt good when people would say dad had told them about me, because most of the others that came through were Jodi's friends and practically sped by.

When it came time to close the casket I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready. My grandma said a family prayer and the pallbearers: Shane, Keith, Scott, Jerry, Jory & Jason walked the casket in the chapel, we followed. The service consisted of an open tribute; anyone could stand up and share a memory. Jason wanted to start off, and then Jodi took her daughter Maggie up to tell everyone about how fun grandpa was. A couple of dad's friends stood up, then Shane got up, grabbed dad's cowboy hat off the casket, said a few words, then ended by walking over to Donna and presenting her with dad's hat. We had previously talked about giving it to her and to do it during the service was the perfect thing to do, it spoke loudly of our feelings for Donna. I assume Cathy and her kids got the message clearly.

I know people that didn't know me were probably expecting me to get up and talk, but those that do know me should have known it was impossible. I didn't stop bawling the entire time, I was truly a basketcase. I know my dad would understand and I'm comfortable with that. When the tributes were done, Jason had asked if they could play a Reba McEntire song called "The Greatest Man I Never Knew", Shane and I had never heard the song before and now after reading the lyrics it doesn't fit for me because my dad told me he loved me every time I talked to him, he was never shy about that.

The greatest man I never knew

Lived just down the hall

And everyday we said hello

But never touched at all

He was in his paper

I was in my room

How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew

Came home late every night

He never had too much to say

Too much was on his mind

I never really knew him

And now it seems so sad

Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years

And the memories to black and white

He grew cold like an old winter wind

Blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard

I guess I'll never hear

The man I thought would never die

S'been dead almost a year

He was good at business

But there was business left to do

He never said he loved me

Guess he thought I knew

After the song finished everyone filed out of the chapel and headed over to Cathy's house for lunch. We were supposed to have it at a Community Center but it was already booked, as was every other possible meeting place. I didn't want to go to Cathy's but since everyone was going, I decided to spread the word that we'd be having our own dinner after, especially for Donna who wouldn't be caught dead at Cathy's house. I literally walked in; grabbed food (only because I was starving at this point) sat down and ate it in about 5 minutes. Got up, told Jory I was going for a smoke (in the blizzard) where he followed me. We smoked, went back inside to find Cathy hugging Shane and telling him something about putting their differences behind them which made me sick to my stomach. Gary could see my disgust so he kindly walked over and blocked my view. At that point, I knew there was no where to hide, so I told Jory to pass the word to Jessie that I was ready to go and would be waiting in the car, no rush. Five or ten minutes later, they came out and we slowly made our way back to town and over to JB's to meet and be with the people we wanted to be with. I don't know if it was the cold or that I was still starving, but I ordered the best tasting French toast with strawberries and whipped cream I have ever had in my life. Add some hot chocolate and it totally hit the spot. We watched a light parade from the window which my "monkey" Haiden thought was the coolest thing ever. Exhausted and ready to pass out, we headed back to our hotel and packed to leave the next morning to Salt Lake.

Sunday morning, as early as all the others, we got up and caravanned (four trucks pulling trailers and the rest of us in our cars) to Salt Lake City to pack up dad's condo. Again when we arrived people were already packing things up and I felt like I didn't have time to digest. I know they were doing it to take advantage of the number of helpers there, but it just seemed like everything was happening so fast and I still haven't caught up. We went to Applebee’s for lunch/dinner and back to the condo to rest and relax. I was literally ready for bed at 6:30 PM that night, but forced myself to stay up until around 9:30.

Monday morning Shane, Jessie and I drove around to all of dad's accounts to hand out death certificates and find out what needed to be done. Jory stayed at the condo with the dogs. Shane thought we'd be done around noon and we didn't even make it to our second stop, the post office until 1 PM. After not finishing everything on Monday, we ended up having to extend our stay to finish up with accounts on Tuesday and planned to leave Wednesday. We spent the remaining time Tuesday with Jory's mom and dad and left Salt Lake Wednesday morning to head home.

We knew there was a storm in southern Utah but up until Fillmore it was clear, and then the fog hit hard from Fillmore to Beaver but the roads were still fine. It wasn't until Panguitch where the snow started and hit us hard. What normally takes 30 minutes to drive ended up taking us 3 hours! We followed a semi truck going no more then 20 mph, the roads weren't plowed and you could barely see the truck's tracks in the snow. After 3 hours, we stopped at the gas station 18 miles north of Kanab but since we didn't have cell phone service we decided it wouldn't be a good place to stop for the night. After having sent a text to my mom and Shane as we started up the mountain towards Panguitch, I knew they would both be freaking out, waiting for an update. We decided to press on and see if we could make it to Kanab. About 45 minutes later we finally made it, the snow plows had just started to hit the town's streets but we didn't think they would have cleared it between there and Page and we were so tired from the stressful drive we decided to check the weather and call work to see what could be done. After hearing that Flagstaff was supposed to be hit hard at midnight and knowing the roads would get really icy, we decided it was better for us to stop for the night and not press our luck further.

After snowing all night and into Thursday, we were at least happy to see the roads looked plowed so we checked out of the hotel and headed home. The roads were clear until Flagstaff, where there were several cars who had hit snow patches and crashed into the center dividers. I decided to keep it slow even on the clear spots because you couldn't see what was around the corner. The further we got into Flagstaff the snow storm got worse, but we made it out and when the snow was no longer on the ground, we celebrated a bit and couldn't wait to get home, to warm weather and our comfortable bed. When we got home we found Jory's work had sent us flowers and a card, it was a really nice gesture and comforted me quite a bit.

Going back to work on Friday felt the same as it did when I returned to work after Jack died. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see anyone and I surely didn't want to talk to anyone or help them with their computer problems. My dad just died people! Can't I please have a week or two to get over the shock?

I was scared and stressed about working from home on the two week mark. Being in the same situation as the day he died. I kept expecting the phone to ring, ground hog day situation. But I survived and I keep breathing in and out as life goes on without me. One day I’ll join back in, for now I’m stuck, grieving and surviving.

Miss you Dad; Love you more then words can describe! I know you are taking great care of Jack for me…fishing in the stars I assume. Thank you!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Instant Message

Joey...I just had a dog poo catastrophe! LOL My youngest, Jimi comes in my office all sneaky, tail down and sits in the most awkward position between a chair and the wall on "to be shredded" paper on the floor. Then I see she's staring at her foot all funny. Then with obvious disgust, she bites onto something stuck to her foot and tries to pull it off, with an "OMG, this is so disgusting!" written all over her face. That's when I realize she has stepped in her own poo and it's stuck in her paw pads!

Tina...LOL GROSS!!!!


Joey...I pick her up careful not to touch the gross poo foot and take her in the bathroom to use toilet paper to pull it off and it's worse then I thought, it's literally in every nook and crany of her damn foot!


Joey...So I have to put her in the tub and use my fingers (!) to scrub it out!


>I was totally throwing up in my mouth!

>Then I washed my hands like 5 time, no joke!

Tina...GROSS!!!!!!!!! :(

Joey...That's when I do the "perp walk" around the house, to see what damage she has's on my couches!


Joey...But I don't have time to clean it right then because I'm auxed in break during all this, assuming it took me around 10 minutes, so I spray the spots with cleaner and lock the dogs up in my office so they don't go lick the stuff.

>little freakin poo paw prints on my couches! LOL





> sound like a commercial


Joey...LOL I know

Tina...bring some into work so i can smell it

Joey...but it's true, scentsy is the shiz

>I will


Joey...Tru Dat!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Just the three of us. Dad, Shane & me

scans A (41)Portrait 1, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

While scanning dad's photos, I found this one. I immediately knew this would be perfect for a portrait tattoo on my right arm as a memorial for dad.

Missing dad and Jack big time today.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Doyle Melvin Kendrick 1952-2008

CENTRAL VALLEY, Utah - Doyle Kendrick, 56, of Central Valley, passed away Dec. 9, 2008, of natural causes on Monroe Mountain Road. He was born July 27, 1952, in Logan, Utah, to NeVear Melvin and Parma Dene Hepworth Kendrick. He married Debbie Thomas and was later divorced. He married Cathy Edwards and was later divorced.
Doyle graduated from Sky View High School in 1971. He served in the Utah National Guard for three years. He was a superintendent for Granite Construction Company at the time of his death. He was well-respected by his peers. He had a wide circle of very good friends. He lived to hunt and loved the outdoors. He spent all his free time at the cabin on Monroe Mountain. He loved animals, especially horses. He loved his children and grandchildren and was very proud of them. He liked taking the grandchildren fishing. He was a fun grandpa.
He is survived by his mother, Parma, of Logan; children, Shane Doyle (Jessie) Kendrick of Thayne, Wyo., Jodi (Karl) Oldroyd of Central Valley, Joey Christine (Jory) Johnson of Mesa, Ariz., and Jason (Bernadette) Kendrick of Flagstaff, Ariz.; eight grandchildren; and his brothers and sister, Jerry (DeNene) Kendrick of Trenton, LaDawn (Richard) Salvesen of Nibley; Keith Kendrick of Fernley, Nev., and Scott (Tammy) Kendrick of Smithfield.
He was preceded in death by his father and grandchildren, Jaylee Ann Oldroyd and Jack Kendrick Johnson.
Memorial services will be held at 3 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 13, 2008, in the Magleby Mortuary Chapel. Friends may call at the mortuary from 1:30 to 2:30 p.m. At his request, cremation will follow the services. Funeral arrangements are under Magleby Mortuary of Richfield, Salina and Manti. An online guestbook is at
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made in honor of his grandchildren to the MISS Foundation, In Memory of Donations, P.O. Box 5333, Peoria, AZ, 85385.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

My heart is broken

Just found out my dad died. His body was found near his cabin in the mountains in Central Utah, he had been putting chains on his tires. They think it was a heart attack. I think we're headed to Utah tonight or tomorrow morning. I'm sick to death, he was planning on coming down here for Christmas and I was stressing about getting the house cleaned to his standards. I feel awful for having felt that. I'm waiting for Jory to come home and my head isn't clear. I wanted to write it, that I was sorry for stressing. I'm sorry dad! I love you, give kisses and hugs to Jack for me ok. Take care of him for me. I miss him so much it hurts!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Jory says I'm Officially Old!

While channel surfing today I stopped on the Home Shopping Network, which I never EVER do, I swear! I don't know what com-pulsed me to do it, gift ideas for the holidays maybe? I don't know. They were showing this: Bissell Steam Mop with Carpet Attachment for $69.95 as Today's Special.

After watching the demonstration I turned to Jory and told him, I had to have it! And then I giggled, because Who buys stuff off TV? Old people buy stuff off TV! But I was serious, I wanted it and Jory knew I was serious. I jumped up, went into the office and got online to do my homework and found that Walmart & Amazon carry it for $4 cheaper but they don't have the carpet attachment. And while watching the presentation, the HSN ladies were taking calls from satisfied customers and they were all complaining that theirs didn't come with the carpet attachment and how it's not available anywhere else. So if I'm going to order it, then I'm going to get the damn carpet attachment too!

Check out the'll want one too!

Of course I totally ordered it! My very first HSN purchase! I'm officially old. When it arrives (Dec. 10th) I'll review it and let you know if it works as good as they say it does.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Self Portrait November 2008

Led Zeppelin Mama 2008

I don't really like this one, but I'm posting it anyway.

Thinking of Jack

That's me, Joey C. Johnson.

And just for fun

Currently watching Trueblood and reading the Twilight series, I was thinking of Vampires.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Fuck Weeds!

Once again, it was time to remove all the fucking weeds from the back yard. We had done the front yard a few weeks back and had been working on burning them once they dried out, we're still not finished.

Keara and I(Jory doesn't Do yardwork lol!) were determined to take back our backyard from the damn Black Widows who have taken up residence. After about 4 hours of back-breaking work, we had to stop. We made it half way and when we finish it, I'll post a final After picture because I know how much you care. ;) Maybe this spring we'll have another large stash of money to finally landscape, but don't hold your breath.

Not quite a full before picture, we had been working for over an hour by the time I remembered the camera. We had only created one large pile by then, see upper left corner.

Keara made me take this to prove I was there. Serious sweating.

Camera shy Keara taking a break

One of the three huge piles of weeds

The second large pile shown below on the right
We made some serious progress

Half the backyard left to go

Weeds are fun to photograph

After I pulled this weed up I felt bad because it's actually pretty

The Art of Driving Home

After narrowing down the amount of pictures I was going to post, I started noticing a theme. The reflecting lights in each photo look like a different animal (* or object) to me. What do you think?


OK no animal here, but do you see the giant star?

*OK, ok my theory isn't looking so good yet. Just wait. I do however see a monster's face.

Wyoming Cowboy on his mustang (right under/in the green sign). Oh and there's Snoopy!

AND swimmers on the left. This is fun!


Road Runners




Sea Horse

Not an animal or object, just Yield.


Guitars or vacuums

mud flap naked lady

Christmas decorations already!

My house, garage half opened.

The End

Friday, November 21, 2008

Looking Out Again

Another Thursday morning, looking out the bathroom window.
I love how these look like paintings. Taken with my camera phone.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Telecommuting Tuesday

Just got a call from a little old lady that totally bummed me out.

Technical Support, this is Joey. How can I help you?

"I think I have the wrong number, is this 1-800-###-4357?"

Could be, we have a lot of 800 numbers that come into us. This is *Company name Technical Support, who are you looking for?

In the saddest little old lady voice she says, "Suicide Hot line?".

Oh I'm sorry, our numbers are very close, hang on (I totally paused a second here thinking - literally hold on lady, put the gun down, it will be OK) for me a second and I'll get you the correct number.

Fumbling all over our website with the number...wanting to say something to her...making sure to be super nice and sweet and caring all through a phone. I find the number, clearly speak every number as if it's the secret code to disarm the bomb she's holding.
1 - 3_1_4 - #_#_# - 4_3_5_7.

"Oh I dialed 1-800, so it's 314?"

Yeah, 314...

Why are they making people call long distance to get help? That's so retarded. I know it's just one of the many suicide hot lines but seriously? Of course, at that moment of helplessness I couldn't think of the standard and probably most well known 1-800-SUICIDE.

"OK, Thank you"

I almost said have a good night, but corrected myself before speaking and said, Take care.

It makes me horribly sad to wonder whether the hassle was too much and she just decided to end it all.

I'm totally bummed out.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Repeal Prop 8 Restore Marriage Equality

Have you seen Keith Olbermann's "Special Comment" about Prop 8? Keith eloquently expresses why the passage of Prop 8 is so tragic, and he addresses supporters of the proposition directly.
Here is a link to watch a YouTube video of Keith's comments. Please check it out and then join me and over 100,000 other people in signing a pledge from the Courage Campaign and CREDO Mobile to repeal Prop 8 and restore marriage equality to California:

Usually, discussions of political issues wind down after elections, but Prop 8 is not about politics. It is about love, equality and civil rights. That's why we cannot let the passage of Prop 8 stand.
We all need to talk to our family and friends about the importance of restoring marriage equality to California.

That is why I am asking you to watch what Keith Olbermann said and then sign the pledge to repeal Prop 8.

The birth of a new Marriage Equality Movement -- the civil rights movement of the 21st Century -- is unfolding before our eyes.

Movements are visceral and popular, often borne of outrage and anger. What we are witnessing on the streets and online is a community of people who have come together to say: "These are our lives. This is our time. This is unacceptable." Organized from the bottom-up by thousands of ordinary people just like you, this people-powered phenomenon is exponentially growing by the minute, online and offline.

This is our moment to stand strong together -- gay and straight -- and say that we refuse to accept a California where discrimination is enshrined in our state constitution. Please show your support by pledging to support our campaign to repeal Prop 8 and restore marriage equality to California.

Please sign the pledge to repeal Prop 8 -- then forward this link to your friends:
We, the undersigned, are united in our refusal to accept a California where discrimination is enshrined in our state's constitution.We pledge to repeal Prop 8 and restore marriage equality to California.

153,306 people have signed the pledge*. Please add your name now!

Post compiled from MoveOn and Courage Campaign.

I can only wish the people in Arizona will also repeal our own Prop 102. I believe in Equal Rights, do you?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Telecommuting Tuesday

View from my office window. It's not as dark out to the right as the picture displays, it was taken with my camera phone and we have energy efficient windows so they have a dark tint to them.
But I must say this is a much better view then my everyday cubicle.

And yes, our yard is still just dirt. At least the front is weed free, Thanks to Keara for helping me the past few weekends. The backyard is a whole other story.

It's as if we live in the desert...har har! Yes we live in the desert and we get some crazy ass weeds! If we don't stay up on it...which we haven't yet, it turns into the scary scene above (since we haven't landscaped yet). Then I have to spend my entire weekend weed eating the damn thing and it's not a small backyard! At least the weeds are dying, they will be much easier to pull up then live.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Add Sopranos Complete Box Set to my Birthday List

WOW, My Birthday list is expensive this year! he he
Jory, you are not allowed to buy these expensive gifts.
I still owe you an iMac.
17 Days until my birthday

Friday, November 07, 2008

Adding LED ZEPPELIN to Birthday Wish List

Led Zeppelin Definitive Collection Mini LP Replica Limited Edition Box Set being released November 11th! Listing price is $199.98 (ouch!) but preorder through Amazon for $139.99!
2008 twelve CD box set from Led Zeppelin featuring all ten albums in beautiful mini-LP reproductions! The Led Zeppelin 40th Anniversary Cardboard Sleeve Reissue Series features advanced cardboard sleeve replicas of the original UK E-style album jackets, plus six bonus cardboard sleeves including five alternate jackets for In Through The Out Door and one alternate jacket for Led Zeppelin I utilizing the original ink. From their 1969 debut album straight through to their final album in 1979, Zeppelin laid the blueprint for what is now known as Classic Rock, Hard Rock and Heavy Metal. It really doesn't get better than this!. Warner. 2008.
Obviously if YOU really want to get me something, anything from here will do. Or if that's not easy enough I've laid it out for you straight on my Amazon Wish List. Now go buy me some stuff!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Hi, My name is Joey and I'm a Geek.

First off, what retard still drives a Hummer? Since we bought our 2008 Honda CRV "Lucy Version 2.0" I have been amazed at what great gas mileage it gets compared to my previous 1997 "Lucy". I had always enjoyed an average of 22 mpg, but with Lucy 2.0 so far I've got it up to 43 mpg with an average of 30 mpg (city/hwy mixed). We're talking about a SUV people!

Which would you choose to drive?

I took this photo on my third trip to Fry's Electronics in the last 2 weeks. I'm telecommuting from home every Tuesday for work (YAY!) and working on a laptop without a separate keyboard and mouse will drive a person crazy! Out of the 4 keyboards we have kickin' around the crib, not one was USB. Not to mention the only working USB mouse in the house has been on it's last leg for some time now. And with my headset taking the first USB port, the mouse would then take the 2nd port, leaving no other ports to plug a keyboard into. So anyway bore bore bore, you're getting so bored.....I needed to buy: wireless mouse, USB hub and a USB to PS2 adapter.

First purchase was the wireless mouse, during my lunch on my first Telecommuting day I ran over to Officemax and picked this one up.

A few days later I went to Fry's (the first trip) to pick up a USB to PS2 adapter for $1.99 so I could plug in my keyboard to my laptop. But I wasn't paying much attention, being surrounded by all sorts of geeky computer gear can over stimulate someone like myself. I found myself immersed in external hard drives, specifically a 1TB Buffalo DriveStation FlexNet. When I saw it on sale for $139.99 I almost wet myself. We've been researching online for a while now and I had not seen anything cheaper then $169. I called Jory and got the OK to purchase it and I went home.

The next Tuesday morning I pulled out the adapter and grabbed one of our extra keyboards hanging around and realized I had bought a Female USB to PS2, MOTHER FLOWER! I obviously needed a Male adapter...GRRRR.

A few days later I went back to Fry's (2nd trip) and picked up the correct Male adapter.

You'd think by now I would try it before my Tuesday Telecommuting morning, but you're wrong. I pull out the ol' work laptop, grab my super kool wireless mouse, usb hub, keyboard and adapter and start setting up. After everything is all plugged in and computer is running, the adapter wasn't being recognized. I read online that they only work with come keyboards...good to know now.

Anyway, now that this post is way too boring for even my taste and I'm SO OVER it...blah!

I ended up buying a new wireless keyboard which happen to come with a wireless mouse. So now we have two wireless mice (technically 3 because we already had one for our laptop, but somehow that slipped my mind until I purchased #3).

I promise to never again post anything as boring as this was. I'm sorry. I'm only publishing it because I spent three days working on it which is totally ridiculous!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

History Made

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America -- I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you -- we as a people will get there," Obama said in Chicago, Illinois, before an estimated crowd of up to 240,000 people.

With Obama's projected win, he will become the first African-American to win the White House.

I have never cried actual tears for anything political, but during Obama's speech I shed many. I honestly felt inspired and proud to be an American for the first time in a long time. I believe his speech will be remembered forever, it's up there with Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a Dream" for me.

If you haven't watched it, take a moment and do so. Maybe you need inspiring too?

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Fuck You Shrub Lovers...Obama Won!

I knew it would happen, but it feels so good for it to be over (well over enough for me to celebrate). Obviously all the votes will be counted, but there is no question this is a landslide!

Obama's speech will be remembered forever, Tears People, in my eyes! For the first time in a long time I felt Proud to be an American and hopeful for our future. There is no doubt history was made today and I'm proud to be a part of it!

Enjoy our Election Day photos

Getting organized at 7 in the morning is not the easiest thing.

Proposition Persistence

The guy on the right asked if I was voting Yes on Prop 102 for marriage (to be defined as one man and one woman) and I laughed and said "OH HELL NO!" I believe in equal rights, Thank You Very Much!

Jory getting his morning dew on.

He made me take one of myself, since I'm always shooting him.


Donate for My Kindness Project to Honor Jack!