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Saturday, January 05, 2008

Day Fright or Depression?

I once shared on my blog that while driving, I picture myself crashing into telephone poles, other cars, buildings, into ravines and over cliffs. Most recently my mind is going through the motions of all sorts of crazy shit. Today I was sitting on my back patio smoking and thought, I can't wait for it to stop raining so I can take the dogs for a walk, then my mind jumped to taking them into Petsmart for now and Jimi possibly going ape shit and barking out of control, then flash back to walking down the street and having a big dog come running to eat my precious babies....would I swoop up Mazzy or Jimi first? My brain immediately went to Mazzy. Does this mean I love her more? Or is it because I've had to swoop her up to save her life a couple times before? Or is it because she is more scared of other dogs then Jimi? Then I felt horrible that I would put Jimi second, because she's such a lover. I would miss her belly flop-roll over-rub my belly move the most. My eyes began to well up thinking of losing either one of them. I told my brain to STOP! I don't want to see these horrific scenes play out in my head. But it WINS and the thought of losing Jory pushes me over the edge and tears began to fall.

This happens all the time, not just when I'm driving. I've pictured myself getting my teeth knocked out, legs cut off, stabbed in the heart and shot in the head to name a few. These things play out in my head almost like a movie except that I feel it as it happens, but it's never as painful as I would imagine. It's like I'm dreaming but I'm fully awake. I wonder if this is related to the Night Fright I had growing up or if it's part of depression?

Does this happen to you?

4 comments:

Code-ster said...

I think it has something to do with depression. I know I've struggled with depression/anxiety for a very long time and I've had similar "daydreams." But with me it's the other way around. I might picture someone breaking in and me beating the crap out of him.

I've also had the thought while driving that with one mighty turn of my wheel I could end it all for someone. I think it might actually be normal, but who knows. I would never go through with it, so no one needs to worry, but I still have bizarre thoughts.

MisterJ said...

Maybe everyone does this, but nobody really talks about it. For me, it's the ceiling crashing down on me in my sleep.

Joey said...

Cody, I think you're right about the depression. Because the worse I'm feeling the harder it is to snap out of these thoughts.

Casey, didn't that really happen?

MisterJ said...

Oh, yeah, good point. I've actually never thought of that.

Although, it was only the light dome.

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