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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Been in a Fog

Not sure if this fog started because my work week was screwed up last week, I traded my Friday for their Sunday. So I only had 1 day off with Jory or if it was Easter. Being Atheists, I'm not even sure if we'll be celebrating Easter with our future kids. It seems silly to celebrate just the bunny and eggs side of it, although that's pretty much how we celebrated it growing up, it never had anything to do with Jesus in our house. I don't know why I would feel bad not celebrating it...another damn holiday based around candy and chocolate? I mean Halloween was just 5 months ago, shouldn't they still have candy left over? I always did.

It's just another damn holiday without Jack. I can picture him waddling around the back yard in his Easter outfit one of his Grandmas would have bought him, sucking on every colored egg he finds, carrying or pulling around a giant basket partially filled with eggs as another one bounces out with every fumbling step.

I woke up to Happy Easter text messages from a few people and continued to be asked how my Easter was as I sat at work taking calls from the retarded folk who have forgot their password, yet again. I'd say, "well I'm working, so I'm sure you can imagine how it's going."

I know people don't think about holidays being hard for us anymore, they've moved on with life. We've tried, it's not easy. The more I try to move on, the further I float down denial river. I've been planning on going to therapy and or group meetings ever since Jack died, but it's DOING IT that is hard. Doing things that have to be done are near impossible. If you dropped by our house without notice, I wouldn't let you inside. You might commit the two of us to the psych ward. Our house is a fucking mess. We moved in last June, I still haven't unpacked half of our shit. There's no decorations up, nothing. There's only two things we get done consistently, laundry and go to work.

I don't know why I'm confessing this now...it's been troubling me forever. The only time our house has been really cleaned is when we're expecting company, that's three times in 10 months. It's gross, I know! I just can't seem to find the energy or will to do it.

Sending holiday cards out was a total bust. I should have known, it's been 1 year, 6 months, 3 weeks and 3 days since Jack died and I still haven't sent out his birth/death announcements. The more I put it off, the more I feel like it's too late. I'll just be bringing people down by sending them. But I want to send them, I want the people I love to have a little something to remember Jack by even if it gets lost at the bottom of a shoe box in the back of someone's closet.

I told my brother Christopher I'd send him a gift card so he could go buy his baby Haiden a new car seat...WHY can't I just go out and get it done? Christmas for family...never got around to it. I know we're shitty people. I keep making goals for myself....I will send a card if not a gift and a card for all family member's birthdays this year. I've only met 1 out of 4 so far this year!

I don't know why I even make promises to people anymore...whatever it is, it's going to be late.

I've even started celebrating when I get something done, it's a HUGE accomplishment to me and it shouldn't be.

I just miss Jack. I can't put into words the pain I feel in my heart for him. I can't type the words without tears streaming from my eyes...and I'm at work, at my desk and my coworkers pretend not to see it.

I'm falling apart. And I don't have the energy to do anything about it.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Though I don't get to see you since we are far away, I love you guys and care about you so much! And, I would love to say the right thing to make you feel better, but there is no right thing to say, just that I care about you and to never feel bad about how you feel, because what you have been through is unimaginable. Time does not heal that. And one day you will have to come see how messy my house is.

Dominique

Jonathan Merchant said...

I also have the problem of not knowing what to say...You know me and Jenni love you guys, but I'm not always the greatest wordsmith around.

But on a less serious note, you do realize with kids your house will never be clean again right? Come over sometime, and you'll see the mine-field that I work my way through everyday. The mud that gets tracked in, left over half empty apples or yogurt sitting on the counter. The sticky stuff that seems to be more powerful then super glue - I don't even want to know where that comes from.

But on a more serious note, have you revisited adoption yet? There's a lot of kids out there that need the love you've got.

Joey said...

Dom and Jon Thank You! I love you all too. I appreciate your kind words and support. I meant to close the comments on this post because I don't want people to think I'm fishing for support. I always feel like being honest about my foggy days/weeks/months, are going to bring everyone down or make you think I'm fishing for love. I don't want to be Debby Downer, unfortunately sometimes I just am.

About the messy house, maybe messy wasn't the right word...how about pigsty? (I always thought it was pig sty, but wiki says pigsty)

We literally ate out every single meal from November until a week or two ago because we couldn't get around to doing the dishes or go grocery shopping let alone cook food.

I'm not going into detail because I'm truly embarrassed, but let's just say we could rival a fraternity house and we're in our fucking 30's! We've seriously thought about hiring a cleaning service, but I used to do that and I know that we would have to clean before they come to clean so what's the point? ARGH anyway...currently it's a little less dirty since my parents came two weekends ago, I waited until the last then cleaned like a bat outta hell...it looked presentable but it could have been cleaner.

And Jon...trust me I know with kids the house will be messy, at this point I wouldn't allow anyone to let their baby crawl on my carpet!

And a post will be coming on the TTC a baby process soon.

tom said...

Joey,

I THINK YOU ARE THE SHIZ, we could compare messes. Let just blame it on the depression and call it good!

i'm still working on thank you cards for wedding gifts...

Joey said...

HA HA I gave up on Thank you cards from our wedding years ago! It's good to know it's not just me. You're the SHIZ too Tom!

MisterJ said...

At Christmas time, I wrote down a huge list of people to send cards to. Did I send them? No!

And I haven't sent a thank you card in, oh, I don't know, fifteen years.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. It can be unbearably difficult and I know the pain of the holidays without your precious child whom you want so much. I always see my missing child now, they are never not tainted.
Please allow yourself to feel what you feel and do what you need to do to heal, not what others say you should do or feel.
And go ahead and send the announcements, they are probably all going to people who love you and will appreciate the sentiment behind them. To honor your child's life.

Mr. E Mann said...

Haha, sounds like we all need to hire the same cleaning service. If we all weren't so lazy one of us could just become a housekeeper and have an instant customer base. :)
Fucking depression anyway... I do great with the kids, but I am usually running on empty when it comes to extra chores or even taking proper care of myself. I am ridiculous enough that I wake up and get the kids a healthy meal, and get them seen to with attention to detail, and cleaned up after, and told repeatedly how much I love and appreciate them, and then I am tired. I will forget or just be too lazy (to cook or do dishes) to worry about me and many times I don't even remember until hours later that I have skipped 1 or 2 meals. I don't even get to doing the stuff I would like to like the blogging etc. and I don't even have a full time job like most of you or as much excuse since from most outward appearances I should be having a ball.
Anyway, it is always good to see how many posts you go before a bad enough day to post about it, Joey. I am always keeping my fingers crossed for good news and happy posts! You deserve good luck and as much of it as can keep you out of funks over the bad. I love ya!

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