Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I was chatting via IM's with a coworker whom I'll call CW, We were discussing how the crew CW mainly work with are all bitchy. CW then told me that CW's first impression of me was that I was mean and didn't like CW because I didn't talk to CW when CW started working here. I apologized and explained I try not to talk to many people here, the politics in our department are out of control, but I didn't not talk to CW on purpose, was probably just having a bad day...I have a lot of them.
After talking trash for a bit, I did what no one living with depression should do. I asked CW what people had said about me when CW first started working here. I already knew the answer, but wanted to confirm my suspicions. What's funny, is I should have written down exactly what I thought CW'd say because I could have guessed it word for word. Anyway...the juice:
CW said "I don't remember who it was...honestly I don't. But someone said you had lost a child and you changed, (understandably) you used to be really out going and now you're moody."
This is exactly what I thought they'd say. I knew it. I felt it. When I walk down the aisle, even today, I feel their negativity towards me. They want and expect me to "get over" losing Jack. They can all FUCK RIGHT OFF! It infuriates me! They don't know how it feels to lose a child. They can't even imagine how it would feel, but WHY can't they TRY to imagine it? Those with kids at least....can't they sit and think for a moment what it would feel like if little junior died today...how their lives would change forever...how bad it would feel to continue breathing in and out without ever being able to hold your baby again...how horrible you feel for praying every night that you won't wake up in the morning because it's yet another day without your child.....how bad your heart aches when you see someone walking down the street, shopping in a store, driving in a car, eating at the next table, DOING ANYTHING with their child by their side and wonder what you had done to deserve a life without your child? Maybe then, they might have some understanding for how hard it is to be me. Maybe then, they'd all back the FUCK OFF and give me some breathing room. Maybe then, they'd all grow the FUCK UP and stop acting like high school gossipers. Maybe then, they might grow some FUCKING compassion.
This is why I say I hate people.
Monday, April 28, 2008
It's so ironic because when I was 15 or so, my mother started threatening to take me to my first GYNO appointment. I refused! I was not about to let some horny old man check out my girly bits! I was really modest, I think having huge boobs at an early age caused this. The boys were always teasing me so I did my best to keep them covered with big baggy clothes. After leaving home at an early age and being on my own, I was able to put off this right of passage until I was (eeek!) 25 years old. I only made the appointment then because I had stopped having a period 2 years before and obviously wasn't getting pregnant. That's when I found out I had PCOS with Insulin Resistance and Hypothyroidism....the beginning of my medical nightmare.
So listen up young girls (as if anyone reading my blog is a young girl), don't put off or be scared of your GYNO cause you'll end up having to get naked for your doctor at least once a month like me! It's called Karma.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
ps When Joey doesn't feel good, she swears a lot. Much more then normal. So I'm sorry in advance, well not actually in advance, I wrote this after I finished the whole post and decided I better warn you cause I was feeling like being nice for those of you who may be bothered by a Fuck here and a Shit there, there's a lot of fucking shits in this one. Enjoy.
First off, Jory and I suck at getting things done. I've said this a million times before, we are professional procrastinators. What is it this time, you ask? TAXES. Fucking Taxes! We've done our own taxes since the beginning of time...the last few years we've used Turbo Tax or similar and this year would be no different. We just simply put it off until....you guessed it April 15th.
We could have finished in a timely manner however it kept telling us that we OWE THREE THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?????? We kept going back to see if we missed something, added fake deductions, upped our real deductions and nothing would change that horrible RED number. (We did go back and remove fake deductions and corrected our real deductions OK UNCLE SAM you piece of SHIT!)
So what time did we finally accept our fate and pay the IRS $3,000 and transmit our returns? 12:01 AM April 16th. Yeah, we missed it by 2 seconds. Of course our returns were returned with errors and now we have to mail in our signatures (still haven't done that) so we're expecting an astronomical late fee from The Man. Fuck The Man!
Let's see what's next...oh yeah, got a call this morning from the doctor, my blood test results show I didn't ovulate so we have yet another failed attempt. I'm not surprised or overly disappointed. I wasn't actually planning on being able to try for 3 to 6 months since it can take that long to get your period back after the Lupron treatments. By The Way, (TMI for sure) I was really scared I'd never feel like a woman again after being forced into menopause and Thankfully I've got some of those "feelings" back recently. I only say this for those ladies that might find my site by searching Lupron to know that I've been there and it sucks and there is a light at the end of that scary tunnel. Hopefully your husbands will be as understanding or at least the perception of understanding that Jory has been for me. I'm not sure men could ever really understand how it feels to have your "feelings" turned off as if by a switch. They can get a hard on from a slight breeze. It's emotional for us first then physical and to have the physical theoretically removed, there's no amount of "fantasizing" to flip that switch back on. You just feel empty and broken and scared that it's gone forever. Which now freaks me out about real menopause...eek I don't even want to think about it. So another concoction of fertility treatments and more doctor appointments coming soon.
My MIL Sandy and hopefully BIL Cody will be coming for a visit Mother's Day weekend!
It's nice to have visitors and I'm sure they'll enjoy the warm sun, Utah is still experiencing some crazy winter/spring/winter weather. I love Jory's family, they're so kool and laid back, they've been a real source of stability for me. My family is crazy and it's no secret I've had issues with my mom, step dad and real dad so it's nice to have that stable loving relationship with my other "mom and dad". It's funny cause all my friend's parents hated me. I was the bad influence or evil one so it was a breath of fresh air when I found out his parents liked me. It might be too hot for my FIL Ken to come out for father's day...I guess we'll see.
I talked to my brother Shane today, he said they got 4 inches of snow last night and it's still snowing today. I think I might have talked him into coming down for a warm weekend soon, before it gets too hot for them.
My brother Jason and his wife Pim are in Utah right now. Unfortunately it was too late notice to get work off and too expensive to fly up for the weekend to see them. They go back to Singapore this weekend. I can't wait to plan a trip out there. I've always wanted to go to Phuket, Thailand which is not too far away from them.
I don't know how we're going to landscape now that we're $3000 down...it's not like we can landscape during the summer, unless of course we are looking to DIE of heat stroke. It's stressing me out.
I guess that's it, I thought there was more but there isn't. I'm just tired of being sick all the time and tired in general...fatigue is my life and it makes exercising near impossible. It's strange how I can pass out on the couch at 10 pm on a Friday night but have to get up out of bed and take Ambien to go back to sleep.
I've also been pondering a career change. Not too seriously, I mean I have responsibilities and insurance to worry about. But I haven't been happy for awhile and during my recent annual review when I was asked "what I wanted to be when I grow up?" My past dreams flashed in front of me and I realized they will never happen. First and foremost I want to be a mom to living child/ren....one day it will happen whether it's through adoption or surrogacy. I had previously wanted to be a LCSW and do independent therapy with children or a fashion designer or professional photographer. None of those will ever happen, I know this now. I'm over it. But I think if I start volunteering with an adoption organization or some sort of child services, maybe one day down the line I could get hired full time without a degree. Of course fitting in volunteer time into my fatigued life is going to be difficult but if I want it bad enough I guess I'll make it happen, just not today.
And before I get a bunch of comments telling me we need to change our withholding for taxes...I KNOW. Of course that's what we're going to do. It happened because Jory changed jobs half way through the year, doubling his income moved us up to a higher tax bracket and we didn't adjust our withholdings as we should have. It's our fault. Next year we will pay a professional to do our taxes and have them double check 2007 for us and we'll amend them if needed.
I'm in a bad mood cause I don't feel good and I hate when people (this one particular coworker of mine) like to give me obvious advice. I'm not fucking retarded so don't treat me like I am. So I'm asking you not to offer me tax advice unless it's a top secret tip that will give me my $3,000 back.
I would completely turn off comments for this post but that's how I feel loved and cared about. So bring on the love Brothers and Sisters! Joey needs a hug.
ps The Johnson's are coming to Utah May 30 - June 8th. Nothing is set in stone as of yet, but I think we're planning on spending the first weekend with my brother Shane and Jessie on their boat somewhere. During the first part of the week, we'll be in Logan with the rest of my family. Little Haiden's first birthday is the 3rd, so I promised we'd be there. The last half of the week we'll be in SLC with Jory's family and we'd like to see as many of our Utahrded ;) friends as possible. Maybe someone will have a "The Johnson's are in town" party and everyone can party together? We'll let you all know when and where we'll be if you'd like to see us. Take advantage of this time cause I don't think we'll be back in Northern Utah again until 2009. For those of you who may be out of the country or washing your hair this June.....We will be going to Moab, UT for Jack's 2nd Birthday and Angelversary, the weekend of August 29th (Labor Day weekend). So you can catch us then.
Hey...don't forget about that hug!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Who am I kidding, only three of you will actually click the link and go look So Here Ya go lazy mouse clickers.
Below you will find two additional photos showing just how cute our TV trays are.
Found at Walmart in the check out aisle, $1.00 each.
Monday, April 14, 2008
So after picking our dearest friends Sara and Carl (the one's we went to Miami for their wedding) up from the airport we went out to breakfast, then a quick stop at PetSmart for dog food and treats and headed home. We hung out at our house enjoying the sun in the hammocks until Jory got home, then it was off to the grocery store for supplies.
Later on we met up with Keara at Famous Daves in Chandler for dinner, YUMMY!
Green in front, Black in the back. HA HA!
On our way out, Carl caught a glimpse of Atomic Comics (he's a HUGE fan, of comics...not a large oscillating wind blower) so of course we had to take a look.
Awe the colorful fountains...like a little Las Vegas experience.
An hour later we finally headed for home. Per Sara's request, Rock band Practice commenced. After much persistence both Sara and Carl Rocked Out with their C*cks Out! She for one is certainly addicted! Alcohol intoxication talked me into being the lead singer, they all said I had a Rockin' voice but I'm sure that was their Alcohol talking.
Friday was our lazy day, I think this was the night of our BBQ and more Rock band.
Saturday we ventured out to the Mesa Market Place Swap Meet where we ate lunch. Sara almost convinced me to buy a dress I'd probably never wear, but it was cute. Then we were off to Mill Avenue in Tempe. We stopped in the Hippie Gypsy and despite their Mill Ave (high) Prices, I did end up getting a great deal on some beaded place mats and cup holders (pictures coming soon) and of course replenished my supply of Nag Champa incense.
There was this cute little courtyard with fountains and a gazebo with yet another hippie store full of fun stuff and Graffiti, a former tattoo shop that now sells pipes and a little bit of clothing. Sara found the cutest, most comfortable dress that Carl is sure to hate. Did he not realize until now that he married a hippie? LOL!
After taking a coffee/smoothie break at Borders we decided to head to Chandler for some souvenirs for the house-sitters in Utah. After hitting two grocery stores (where else to you find souvenirs in a city?) we ended up at the Chandler Fashion Center Mall, Red Rock Trading Post. Three T-Shirts and some Salsa later, we all decided to go get tattoos!
We googled Club Tattoo on Jory's phone and headed to the closest one. Meanwhile I'm verifying that I won't be the only one getting inked if we go...Keara said she'd definitely get one and Sara might. Jory and Carl are chickens so they're out. We show up and decide to smoke so everyone (me and Keara) can decide what to get and where to put it. I have so many I've been wanting so I figure Jory and Jack's names on my wrists would be a good choice and quick so we wouldn't lose our FUN momentum. We meander in and ask if they have time for walk-ins, "Sorry no". There's only one guy working and he's busy with a client. I realize this was the weekend of the tattoo convention, Argh!
We wander next door to Trails, another Head shop. They had the koolest glass pipe, sculpted like a break dancer and her boom box which was the stash jar. Super Kool! I wanted to scurry over to The Goat Head Saloon but we were hungry. We headed back home to make some sandwiches since Jory and I didn't bring our medication with us, we are the ol' Fogies of the group. We made sandwiches and sat around the fire pit...ooh the pretty blue flames.
A coworker of mine moved and gave me all his fireplace paraphernalia which included crystals that make your fire turn blue, Trippy!
Since we lost out on getting tattoos, Sara offered to lend her artistic hand and give Keara and I Henna tattoos with the kit I compulsively bought while at the Hippie Gypsy. After warming up on my foot and downloading and printing a design on the Internet, Sara dug right in and gave me these:
The big toe started out as a swirly then turned into a lady bug, sorta. You gotta love the puppy paw and the best is the backwards "J"! Obviously the right foot was simply for warm up.
Sunday morning I dropped them off at the airport as they bid a sad farewell to the sunshine and warm weather. Jory and I spent the rest of the day napping and napping some more.
We had a great time and can't wait to do it all over again another time! We miss you already Sara and Carl!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
This is awesome news for me because it means I won't have to have surgery again for at least a few months. My doctor put me back on fertility treatments today and I'll get an HCG shot next Friday, if the Apothecary can find some that is...apparently there is a country wide shortage of HCG. Seriously.
It's funny I don't really know how to feel about this. I haven't received "good news" from my doctor since they confirmed I was pregnant with Jack. I should be jumping up and down but I'm not. Maybe it's shock. Or I'm expecting the other shoe to drop?
ps I hate abdominal ultrasounds! I have to drink 64 oz of water an hour before my appointment and by the time I got there I couldn't sit down. And we all know you have to wait 30 minutes to an hour to even see him. Then he has to push the wand down on my blatter it's so very painful, you don't even know. Not that I like transvaginal ultrasounds by any means, but at this point in my medical life I would almost prefer it. I can't even count the number of times I've been in the stirrups in the last year let alone since my first GYNO exam so many years ago, so getting half naked is not an issue for me!
OH and I had no idea pee weighed so much! My nurse weighed me when I got there and I had her weigh me again after I went pee and there was a 4 lb difference! FOUR POUNDS! That's crazy!
Well I'm off to pee, again.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
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