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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm a sadist...or is it masochist?

Apparently a masochist...

I was chatting via IM's with a coworker whom I'll call CW, We were discussing how the crew CW mainly work with are all bitchy. CW then told me that CW's first impression of me was that I was mean and didn't like CW because I didn't talk to CW when CW started working here. I apologized and explained I try not to talk to many people here, the politics in our department are out of control, but I didn't not talk to CW on purpose, was probably just having a bad day...I have a lot of them.

After talking trash for a bit, I did what no one living with depression should do. I asked CW what people had said about me when CW first started working here. I already knew the answer, but wanted to confirm my suspicions. What's funny, is I should have written down exactly what I thought CW'd say because I could have guessed it word for word. Anyway...the juice:

CW said "I don't remember who it was...honestly I don't. But someone said you had lost a child and you changed, (understandably) you used to be really out going and now you're moody."

This is exactly what I thought they'd say. I knew it. I felt it. When I walk down the aisle, even today, I feel their negativity towards me. They want and expect me to "get over" losing Jack. They can all FUCK RIGHT OFF! It infuriates me! They don't know how it feels to lose a child. They can't even imagine how it would feel, but WHY can't they TRY to imagine it? Those with kids at least....can't they sit and think for a moment what it would feel like if little junior died today...how their lives would change forever...how bad it would feel to continue breathing in and out without ever being able to hold your baby again...how horrible you feel for praying every night that you won't wake up in the morning because it's yet another day without your child.....how bad your heart aches when you see someone walking down the street, shopping in a store, driving in a car, eating at the next table, DOING ANYTHING with their child by their side and wonder what you had done to deserve a life without your child? Maybe then, they might have some understanding for how hard it is to be me. Maybe then, they'd all back the FUCK OFF and give me some breathing room. Maybe then, they'd all grow the FUCK UP and stop acting like high school gossipers. Maybe then, they might grow some FUCKING compassion.

This is why I say I hate people.

12 comments:

tom said...

Cool, first crack at it!

I know that i can't even remotely fathom how you feel, but i think a lot more people really care about you a lot more than you give them credit for. I know that I as well as everyone i know that knows you do a lot. (that's a lot of a lots!)

This is all coming from CW saying "..someone said you had lost a child and you changed, you used to be really out going and now you're moody."

As a fellow winner of the "depression" lottery, guess what, people say i'm way moody, as a matter of fact, i KNOW that some think that i'm an obnoxious slacker that thinks he's way funnier than he is. Ok, they're right, but..Whatever! it's not worth suffering over.

You getting all this negative mojo from your co-workers, but is it real? CW didn't say "oh, i heard that you're a fucking douchebag!" or "I heard you have BIG TIME cooties and chronic explosive diarrhea!" She simply stated the important fact that your co-workers told her that you'd lost Jack.

I think that's worth mentioning, If your co-workers didn't care or thought you sucked, why even bring it up? They knew it was a earth-shattering thing and that it was important to you. AND if people didn't care, why would they tell CW that you were outgoing or all least used to be? Why bring it up? The vast majority of people i polled say they actually LIKE out-going folk (myself excluded), and i have it on record that a good portion of outgoing, likable people throughout the ages were moody. It's not a bad thing! Do you know what they call people who are never moody? Stepford People! Ick! They're scary! And why in hell would people think less of you because you lost Jack? That just doesn't add up.

Lastly, i have a confession to make. I've told people that some close friends of mine lost their baby. Are you going to yell at me and tell me to fuck off? JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't let you anyways. Only April, Jory, and my boss are allowed that luxury, and last i checked, your signature was NOT on my paychecks. I love you Joey, think about you and JD all the time, and it really saddens me when i think about your loss and your continued suffering. you're the shit! And i mean that in the nicest way. I don't make friends with jerks, i'm shallow that way.

No offense, if you didn't want us to know, you wouldn't put it on your blog..

Like i said before, i could never walk in your shoes, and frankly i don't wanna, but I hope this helps at least a little.

Now hurry and get up here!

Jory said...

I'm sorry.

You should have had McD's for dinner. McD's makes everything better. McD's and W-Schnitz. They make the world a better place.

Well, there is my dysfunctional attempt at helpful advise to make the unbearable sentence more tolerable w/chili and cheese.

I am sorry.

MisterJ said...

We have this kid in my school who threatened to kill his teacher and everyone else in the school.

It got me thinking about if one of my students were to pass away.

I can't imagine how I would cope with THAT, and they aren't even my kids!

You both are so strong. The people you work with need to realize that.
Maybe they do, and they don't say it. I don't know.

It would be easy for me to say, "Don't worry about what they think," but I know I worry about what people think of me all the time.

Anyhow, I'm thinking about you.

Tom, it's not called cooties, it's called lice, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. ;)

tom said...

Carl's Jr. does it for me.

Jonathan Merchant said...

I've had sisters die (my parents lost 2, one right after birth and one that was 6 months old) and i can distinctly remember how even after i was like 10 (the 6 month old was my little sister by 2 years and the other was my senior by like 6) still weren't over it. I on the other hand compartmentalize everything and then lock it away until its so overwhelming and explosive I can't ignore it anymore and have a bit of a break down...

c'mon who's with me on bottling it up and hiding it!!!

anywho, i hate most people - and my lack of social skills is probably why i don't want to know what others think of me - i know you're sitting there thinking "what? jon has no social skills, BS" well it's true, i am good at short term relationships because i grew up in a short term world (moving all the time, etc) so any long term friends i have must be due to the lack of actual contact over any real length of time...(except my little family, but then again i'm gone most of the time every day) so my advice would be akin to jory's...because well i suck at it when it comes to socializing. people are retarded, especially gossip mongers...

if these people cared so much why are they comforting you? i atleast know that, but then my other side would be like get over it, i get over everything why can't you? and now you can see my problem, it's the other side that is most manifested...

i still love you Joey and think you need to take whatever time you want to get over it - and then go kick them others in the gonads or girlnads and tell them "i eat taco bell!"

well for me it would be goodwood that brings me comfort...lol

does that work, or did i just come off sounding insane?

Code-ster said...

I'm not sure this will help, but whenever I heard something about myself at work, I always tried to realize that by the time it got back around to me, it was probably twisted, misconstrued and taken completely out of context.

That someone could have actually said something like, "It's a shame Joey lost a child. I used to love seeing her because she was so happy. But now because of her situation, she's always sad." Then, by the time it gets back to you, it had been twisted into what CW said. I never, ever, ever fully believe anything anyone tells me at work.

But maybe that's just me.

Katie said...

I know there is no way I can comprehend what you struggle with on a daily basis and I hope to God I never do. And I can only speak for myself when I say I could never expect a parent to "get over" the loss of a child because I know it just never be done. You might be able to pick up and go about life as normally as possible, but you're not the same person and no one should expect anything different. Just try to keep in mind that sometime things said have a way of changing context after being spread around the office. And if anyone actually had the gall to tell you to get over it, then I say you have every right to tell them to fuck off.

Thank God you and Jory have each other.

Joey said...

You guys are so awesome! HA HA I meant to turn comments off just so you didn't think I was fishing for love. ;) Anyways...as usual I don't really tell the WHOLE story just so I didn't bore you, but here's the shit...
When someone starts working here they sit with a few of us and listen to our calls, all day long for a week or two, this is how we are trained.
As these people sit with us, everyone tells them their personal feelings or opinions about everyone else (There are only 19 people in my department). This seems to be one of the few times, people are honest with their feelings here. The other day as CW and I were chatting, we were discussing some of the crazy people here and CW was telling me what everyone had told CW about everyone else.
There was no misunderstanding of what was said.
There is no secret about how people feel about me.
I hear these things, sometimes even straight from the horses mouth. What they say to me or about me only really affects me that day, maybe two depending. I have too many other crazy things going on in my head to care too much...I was writing about it because it had just happened, again. Venting if you will.

I know I have people like you Tom, Jory, Jon, Cody, Casey...and everyone else that has kept in contact with us that cares about us, why else would I still be here, breathing in and out? I appreciate your love, support, jokes, craziness and well, pure insanity (Jon, "get over it" HA HA!)I'm with you on bottling it up and hiding it, but sometimes my pot fills up and it boils over.
I am REALLY looking into therapy, group support or alone...it's on my To Do list. I'm just busy with my doctor appointments, Jory's appointments, Mazzy's appointments, visitors, birthdays, life...I will get to it. Even then, I will still write about it. Maybe there will be less and less venting, but I doubt it, I've been writing/journaling all my life and those books are pretty well filled with vents...maybe if I unpack them I'll share a few here. You can all see how CRaZY I used to be...or umm still am. ;)

I love you all

...and Famous Daves is mine.

Joey said...

I didn't see your comment until now Katie..."And if anyone actually had the gall to tell you to get over it, then I say you have every right to tell them to fuck off."

You made me laugh! Thank you.

tom said...

Yup, i guess i didn't know the full scoop. But that doesn't mean that you aren't the poop. (once again, nicest way possible)

Joey, you should DEFINITELY do what you can to get help. Therapy is a great idea. After my little "episode " last Sept/Oct i went to talk to someone for a couple of months. I found that it really helped me, at least it helped me change me way of thinking and i was able to deal with some issues from WAY back, some i didn't know i had. I found that i was talking to him about things that i wouldn't or hadn't told anyone. I really recommend group AND one-on-one. I assume that sometimes you feel you suffer from unique circumstances (i did) however there are people that feel your pain and hae suffered through their own losses.

As you can see, i'm pretty open concerning this stuff. Therapy doesn't hae the same stigma attached to it that it used to. Hell, Tony Soprano went..hmm, probably not the most apt example.

Just spilling your guts to a complete stranger, with no agenda, no bias, someone trained in this stuff, getting your feelings out, getting out from under massive weight on your shoulders, was extremely beneficial to me and i bet it would help not only you, Jory, you friends, family will all see the difference.

I should have guessed the Famous Dave's.

tom said...

i just noticed, the first line in my last post rhymed! Since we moved to the RP, i've been honing my rapping skills and now i'm spitting out the rhymes all the time, whether i'm trying or not. I credit watching "the Princess Bride" (..stop it! i mean it! ..Anybody want a peanut?) and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! for the quick learning curve.

WORD TO YO' MAMA!

Mr. E Mann said...

Most people aren't real unless they have (successfully or not) had a child. (Sorry to all you out there who don't qualify). Almost everyone thinks their life is uber important and that they have the knowledge, experience, or right to judge, demean, or belittle others, but in reality their life is not much more than a game. I know from personal experience of being a know it all punk kid and then a father who couldn't imagine life without his kids...

None of those people who are judging you will probably ever want and sacrifice for a child to love and care for as you have, let alone cope with anything like the loss and the pain you have braved. Fuck them! They are shallow or empty and have little to no concept of reality or humanity!

Donate for My Kindness Project to Honor Jack!