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Monday, December 29, 2008

Are You All Really This Retarded?

Sitting at my desk, someone comes up behind me, gives me a half hug, half pat on the back.

"How are you doing"

I shrug my shoulders, "Shitty".

"Still? I mean, ya I guess but really?

I look at her with a shocked face that should have said something to the effect of ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm sorry, have I reached my grief expiration date already? But instead with that look, I said "Yes, really".

"Well I guess you do have a lot to deal with as far as his estate and stuff."

Ya, that's what's causing me to want to slit my wrists! WTF people? Are you all really this retarded? Or just the people I'm forced to communicate with during particular hours? Don't get me wrong, I like the person who talked to me, she's a good person. But did everyone miss their sensitivity training growing up? Why is the general consensus to Get Over It? Is it just me? Is this excruciatingly hard for me because I lost my son Jack just 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks ago and now my dad? The dad that I just started rebuilding a relationship with in the last 10 years. Am I a Debbie Downer now? Everyone tired of seeing my grief? Is that why my blog readership has dropped by 75%? It's too depressing?

Well it's my life and I don't get why people can't understand that. It took EIGHT FUCKING years to get pregnant with Jack, the bad luck continued when I also happened to have Incompetent Cervix causing him to come too early and he FUCKING DIED. MY BABY BOY DIED! He's not home running around asking what everything is and why it all works a million times. We didn't get to help him leave out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve night and we didn't get to be woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas morning by him exciting to open presents. We didn't get to see him run out to the presents under the tree with big eyes excited to see what Santa brought. We didn't get to take him around the neighborhood to see all the pretty lights. And we sure as hell didn't get to spend Christmas with my dad as we had planned!

As I said, it's been 2 years, 3 months and 4 weeks (plus the original 8 years) and I'm still NOT pregnant! I may not ever get pregnant again and the fact that I don't have the rest of my life to try, SUCKS ASS! The fact that I HAVE to have my ovaries removed because I have Serous Cystadenomas FUCKING SUCKS! I'm going to be THAT GIRL that all she ever wanted in life was to have babies, the one and only time she did get pregnant her body fucked it all up and forced her perfectly healthy baby boy out of the womb, causing him to DIE. Why do I have to be that girl? I went through enough growing up, I shouldn't have to keep "learning these lessons". I don't want all these things to happen to me to make me stronger. Let me be weak, I am weak.

FUCK YOU Retarded People!

Now that I've taken a lunch, I feel all bad because this anger isn't meant for my friends and family that have done so much for us. And maybe this anger is the part of grief I'm being drown by. But I'm pissed and I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm freaking out and I don't know how else to let it out. I don't know what else to do with myself. My heart hurts and I can't seem to cry enough to mend it. I don't know why when I'm at work I feel so emotional and ready to break. When I'm at home, it's better. I'm with Jory or I can zone out or nap at will. I guess home is safe and I can be alone. Maybe it's just people then? And their "How are you today" bullshit. I'm tired of lying and saying "fine". I'm not fine.

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