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Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Day That Should Have Been

I made it through a rough day...the day that should have been Jack's due date, two years later. I found myself often holding my elephant necklace that I wear for Jack. But instead of tears, I was smiling thinking of Jack, being excited to watch over his little sister. We all know how well older brothers look after their little sisters. This little girl will have a big brother as her guardian angel, how awesome is that?

Someone once told me that we didn't need to be sad on Jack's original due date because we had his birthday to celebrate and his Angelversary (the anniversary of his death) to mourn, there was no need to add yet another day to be sad. I was shocked as she is a bereaved mother, how could she think this way? I adamantly disagreed with her and told her January 22nd will always be "the day that should have been" for Jory and I.

Last night at 11:45 pm, my reminder (as if I need one) on my cell phone went off and at 11:55 pm, so did Jory's. There were no words spoken, they weren't needed. For me the memories of the excitement for that day are fading. Replaced with the loss of Jack's future. I'm sure I was excited to bath Jack for the first time, dress him up and leave the hospital, go home and stare at him for hours while he slept. Instead I'm heartbroken that we never got to watch him devour his first birthday cake, take his first steps, utter his first words or scoop him up in my arms and swing him around in circles. I'll never get to take him camping, see his face when he found his first lizard or kiss his boo boo's from falling on the slick rock. We don't get to send him off to school or help him build a fort. He never got to go fishing with dad or ride in Shane's Rhino. We lost out on watching him play sports or make his first jump off the skateboard ramp. We won't ever get to meet his first girlfriend, finance or help plan his wedding. And the day I'm sure every parent looks forward to is the day their son becomes a father. We lost the future we had pictured for Jack, we lost that day that should have been the beginning of his long and happy life.

I miss you Jack! The words don't seem to express the ache in my heart or the boulder sized lump in my throat. I love you with all my heart sweet boy. See you in the stars!

Love Mama

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