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Friday, January 09, 2009

Surgery Number Three

I've been meaning to update you Dearest Internet on my medical situation for a while now but I've been busy being depressed and scanning my dad's photos to keep me busy so I don't just lay in bed all day being depressed.

Let's jump back a bit just to explain what's been going on...Last spring (I think) I started getting Lupron shots to fight the Endometriosis, those stopped in May and I was started back on fertility treatments, but then we went to Utah where I got the Triple Threat (Bronchitis, Pneumonia & Mono). So I was sort of Out Of the Game for a while since I could barely stay awake for an hour here or there all summer.
After I went back to work in September, I finally got back on fertility but my body wasn't ready and refused to participate. In November I started doing two Lupron shots twice a day BY MY SELF! I was the Injector! Crazy eh? But anyway.
I was supposed to do the shots for 6 weeks, but then my dad goes and dies on me and we left for Utah immediately so I didn't have time to think about refilling my medication which had just happened to run out.
We return to Utah, after a week of decompressing and getting back to our regular work schedules, I remember I haven't been doing my shots. I call the doctor, he decides I should just come in on my already scheduled appointment to discuss our options.

(Insert fast forwarding noise here....back to present day.)

I went to the doctor's this week and found out I'm headed back to surgery in February. My left ovary is stuck to my stomach again with an adhesion and my right ovary is filled with cysts and has a large cyst on the outside. And my uterus is still filled with Endometriosis. In surgery they will remove the left ovary from the stomach and put it back in it's place, biopsy and laser all the cysts and scrape out all the Endometriosis. It will take 2 to 3 weeks to find out if any of the cysts have changed to Serous CystAdenoCarcinoma yet. Of course I will keep you informed.

Am I nervous for surgery? Not really. Kind of excited for the Ketamine, it's what they use to put me out instead of regular anesthesia because they have to give me enough to kill a horse and then I struggle immensely when coming out of it. With Ketamine however, I wake up really well and seem to recover overall much faster. I'll still be out of work for at least 4 weeks, but if I remember correctly after my second surgery, I remember most everything from the first week where as after the first surgery I don't remember anything at all other then the intense pain.

It will be waiting for the results afterwards that I'm nervous about. I try not to think about the day they will either tell me I have Ovarian Cancer or it's time to remove the ovaries so I don't get it. I'm very thankful I have the warning instead of the death sentence. Very few women find out they are Going to get Ovarian Cancer, normally they find out they already have it. But it's still scary, I don't think I've really let it is sink in. Denial is a great tool and I'm a master.

When my doctor initially told Jory and I that I would get Ovarian Cancer and that he'd be consulting with Oncologists, he paused and asked me if I understood what he just said and what it meant. I nodded yes and I think a few tears fell, but honestly I think my brain was blocking the full reality of the situation. I think I broke down crying in the car on the way home as it started to sink in, but I haven't shed a tear over it since. It's not really until I have another surgery scheduled or my sweet friends Sara or Keara asks me how I deal with all the bad shit that continues to pile up, that I start to think about how I will deal on that dreaded day.

The good thing about surgery, is it gives me hope. After 8 years of fertility treatments and getting a BFN on every pregnancy stick but one (Jack) it becomes tremendously hard to have, let alone keep up hope. But because we got pregnant the first try after my first surgery, there is a little bit of hope there.

The craziest part of the timing here, is when we got pregnant with Jack we were in the process of adopting and even though I KNOW it won't happen...but my cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child, her parents are raising her first and she's thinking of adoption or so I've heard. I'm POSITIVE she wouldn't even think of us to adopt her baby (long story short, I put my neck on the line to help her and her baby and it backfired and she told me to stay out of her life), but just holding on to the teenie tinest bit of possibility of getting to adopt her baby while going through the surgery process again feels kind of like the planets are aligning for us. I know I'm crazy.

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