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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hippie Love


Love, originally uploaded by Joeythegirl.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Today's Horoscope, WOW!

It may seem as if someone's unwillingness to follow through on a commitment makes your life more difficult. It's hard to trust others now, because you are fairly certain that they'll just let you down. You grow more sullen throughout the day and may even pick a fight with someone you love in an attempt to express your frustration. Instead of taking your fears out on someone else, look within for your answers.

Not that looking within will tell me what our birthmom is going to do, but otherwise this totally hit the spot. And I promise to do my best not to pick fights with my loved ones.

p.s. 23 days, it's really starting to wear on me. She really could go into labor at anytime now and I just wish we knew she was going to pick us, so we could be there when she's born. I guess that's a big part of my insanity, having to accept the fact that even if she chooses us, we probably won't know until she's born, so we'll miss her birth. Miss those first moments. No I'm not saying I was expecting to be in the room or catch her when she comes out, but I wanted to be there, in the hall, outside, where ever, just there, close to her. It's not easy to Mentally assume she's changed her mind. I can't get it out of my head, I still think, still believe that she'll do the right thing for her baby. I still believe Willow will come home, but it's painful to believe that and try to prepare for the opposite. This Limbo is driving me crazy. It's impossible to get anything done, I fill like I'm juggling in the Willy Wonka room with the fizzy drink shit, the one where they burped and floated up to the roof. I fill like all the things I'm juggling are floating right now and they will all come falling down on me the moment we get the phone call. Everyone will see that I wasn't handling it, couldn't get it done, it will be my fault for not doing this or not doing that. Missing one little detail and it all crashes down. What then? I feel like a record. My brain won't stop spinning and I keep repeating myself.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Somebody is Spoiled!


Keara calls me today, SCREAMING and CRYING with excitement about what Andy got her for her birthday(May 1). All I heard in between all the hysterics was "FedEx, MacBook Pro, Andy, OH MY FUCKING GAWD!" Then after a few more SCREAMS..."17 INCH Wide-screen MACBOOK PRO, can you believe it?"

On the other end of the phone I'm having a Geekgasm, asking for specs and drooling with jealousy. I teased her about how if he bought her a $3000.00 laptop, how big the engagement ROCK would be? OH and the Wedding Rock! She was too high with bliss to even respond to my "wedding talk". She was so juiced up she brought "Mac" over to my work during lunch and we fondled him together; it was magical.

So Andy...Mr. Moneybags, you did good man. I haven't seen her this thrilled since she told us about You and Spain. FYI...my approval(of you), can totally be bought! ;)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

You really don't have to read this

Do you like bananas? No, I LOVE bananas! So does Mazzy & Jimi, they heart bananas Big Time! Jory HATES bananas.

What is your favorite song of all time? I'm a little partial to Tori Amos' acoustic version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow (and Big Iz's version as well), but otherwise any Led Zeppelin will do.

What is your favorite place? In Jory's arms....But I know that's not what you meant. Bellingham, WA is my Happy Place. Moab, UT, Miami Beach, FL (in December) and Star Valley, WY (in summer) are some of my favorite places.

If you could have one super human power what would you choose? I guess it's not technically "super human" to have babies, so I guess I'd choose Flying. I can go anywhere, anytime for Free!

Vitamin Water or Gatorade? I like Sam's flavored water, does that count? Blue Gatorade is good too...oh the light purply one. I don't know the names.

Flip flops or sandals? Flip flops year round baby!

What do you do on Fridays? Wake up, go to work, celebrate at 6:57 pm, head home, call and wake Keara's ass up and get her on her way to my house, figure out dinner, Fridays are normally our take out night, order food, go get it, take it home, eat it, watch a movie or play video games, crochet, sometimes we get crazy and drink alcoholic beverages, GASP! Once a year or so we can talk Jory into going OUT to a movie!

What is your favorite color? Green, Purple and Black, it switches up.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh geeze

beach or mountain? I'll take both please.

left handed or right handed? I used to be fairly ambidextrous. But for the record, I'm right handed.

Why are you taking this interview? Because I like to think that someone out there cares to know this shit.

Who do you count on when feeling down? Who ever answers their phone first. Assuming I'm at work, because I feel like I'm always at work and it's lonely here.

Do you plan in advance? I try to but Jory isn't really a plan kind of guy. He wants to know stuff in advance, but as far as planning for those things, he's not so good at. He hates having things planned, or so it seems to me.

What attracts you most? About what? Bright colors attract my attention, Funny, down to earth people I guess.

Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in public? Yes I'm perfectly comfortable groping Jory in public.

How many hobbies do you have? Just thinking about the list makes me wonder if I'm addicted to hobbies:
Crocheting
Photography
Photo Editing
Blogging
Reading
Frisbee Golfing
Traveling
Camping
Hemp Jewelry
Beading
Sewing
Video/Computer Games
Web Mistressing (http://CarlJoglar.blogspot.com)
Facebooking
Volleyball (haven't played in a looong while)
Building/Designing stuff for our house
Drawing
Painting
Poetry
I'm not sure I can list Tattoo's as a hobbie since I only have 3, but there are so many yet to be done.
I'm sure there's more but that's good for now.

Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head? My dad...I've been working on his Memorial Rock Epitaph.

How do you say "I love you" in the relationship? I take care of him. Make sure he has his smokes, Mt. Dew, food, entertainment, clean clothes, working on the clean house, whatever I can do to make his life a little easier, so he'll be happy.

Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them? Although I'm concerned about the whole probing rumors, I would love to go poke around their place a bit! Pun totally intended.

Describe your perfect Sunday morning? Sleep in; wake up to the smell of homemade French Toast, Hash-browns and OJ! Walk out of my bedroom to fine out the Clean Fairies have visited and my house is unpacked, decorated and Clean from top to bottom! AND Jory wants to explore the mountains or even Frisbee Golfing in Fountain Hills. Awe, a girl can dream right?

If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be? Stay At Home Mom or if that never happens, then Photographer.

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? My own private island possibly near Johnny Depp's private island.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be? If I can pick the day, I choose our birth mom.

If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook? Chicken out on the grill with Dutch oven cheesy potatoes!

What is your favorite word? I have a few: Effervescent, Facetious, Androgyny/Androgynous. I wrote a book report back in 9th grade and used the word androgynous with regards to the name Drew and my English teacher wrote "Do you even know what that means?" in red pen on my paper. Hello, with the name Joey, I knew what androgynous meant, stupid bitch! I hated that whore! I also love Saucy!

What makes you cry? You should have asked what doesn't make me cry. I'm a gawd damn ocean of emotion!

What makes you laugh? Jory's morning hair, morning voice (think Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs).

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be? I was going to say chimp because I love fruit and swinging in trees and taking care of orphan babies would be my Thing, but I was worried about being captured and left in a cage as a pet so then I was thinking Dolphin so I could have the entire ocean to explore, but I would also worry about getting killed and eaten. I'm not sure there is an animal in the wild that I would feel safe enough from humans to be. How sad is that?

If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions? Quit my job (assume Jory would quit his too). Pay off our mortgage and other debt. Regardless of whether this adoption pans out, I would pay for IVF and get my surrogate pregnant. Buy a private island and start building our commune while traveling the world with our family.

If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct? Not that it would probably have changed things, but I wouldn't have waited until 2000 to finally go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me. Also, I would have gone to the hospital before August 31, 2006 and had them sew me up so Jack wouldn't have come too soon. I would force my dad into a doctor to hopefully prevent his fatal heart attack. And stuff I can't talk about.

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full? Fuck the cup, who cares.

Who was your hero as a child? My brother Shane has always been my hero, especially when I was a child.

What do you do for fun? Didn't I already list my hobbies? Same answer. OH WAIT...I forgot, sometimes I get in a crazy mood and I hide from Jory, the timing has to be perfect! And eventually he'll come looking for me and I jump out and scare him. Of course I only do it about once a year, it works best that way. Keara has yet to experience the insanity. Her time will come ;) OH Shopping with Keara is fun too, especially when we talk with accents the entire time, or let people think we are identical twins. People are so dumb.

Are you an outdoor or an indoor person? I'm an outdoor person 100% but my depressed Alter likes warm blankets and comfy couches. ;)

If you had only six months to live, what would you do first? Quit my job, sell everything, rob a few banks and go find that private island I keep telling you about.

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you? I don't have one best friend. I'm bipolar and have often joked about that meaning I have an Alter which is not true by the way in case I'm confusing anyone out there, it's just funny, but having an Alter which sometimes it feels like I do, means I need more then one best friend because if I only had one, they wouldn't hang out long because I'm just too much work to deal with. Regardless, I think they might describe me as Crazy, Bossy and Blunt, if they were to be honest, but they might lie and say I'm Strong, Wise and Caring. I don't know...ask them.

Where do you see yourself in five years? I've said it for more then 5 years now...but I still see myself as a Stay At Home Mom with hopefully more then 1 kid.

What are you most proud of in your life? Jory and Jack

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have? Two Pomeranian princesses or rather one princess (Mazzy) and one DEVIL child (Jimi).

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where? I have three tattoos; my first was a crescent moon and star on my big left toe. Second was my rainbow colored trippy butterfly on my left ankle. Third, should count as six since I had six sittings. It's a giant butterfly that covers my entire upper back, shoulder to shoulder. It's not done, my artist and I disagreed on what colors to use, so he half-assed it. I hope to get it finished one day.
I have lists of more tattoos, just waiting for the phone call from Kat Von D or Chris Garver so they will be perfect. I have two immediately planned; one for Jack and one for my dad, both are portraits that will cover both arms. Jack's footprints and handprints and Jack and Jory's names, hopefully Willow's too, the list goes on.

When do you plan on getting married? Jory and I are celebrating our 12th anniversary this year! We made it legal on our 6th anniversary.

Get the number or give the number? 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

Romance or Kinky? A healthy marriage has both. Don't read too much into that, it's not like we have a swing hanging from the ceiling!

How do you feel? Tired, I could not stay asleep last night and it was too late to take an Ambien when we went to bed. Little Jimi was up several times in the night barking at ghosts, which is normally Mazzy's job, but even Mazzy was giving her the death rays when she'd wake us all up. I also feel fat and my boobs hurt, not in the pregnant boobs hurting way, like I slept funny or something? I can't explain it. Overall exhausted and hungry with a headache. I really almost called out today. I need sleep!

What size shoes do you wear? Size 9 in women and 6 or 7 in boys.

Water or 100% Juice? Freeze the water, add the juice and fill the remaining with Skyy Vodka!

Would you rather be hot or cold? I used to say cold because you can always warm up, but living in AZ where we don't experience freezing ass arctic snowy Utah winters anymore, I definitely choose hot. Because I know that comes with 9 months of perfect weather. I can deal with 3 months of hot more then I can deal with 7 months of winter! Hibernating for 3 months is MUCH easier then hibernating for 7 months!

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg? Are you threatening me? I would have to say leg only because I need my two hands. I could never be that person that has to use her foot to eat or cook, GROSS! And a Robot leg would kick serious ass! Jory would be so jealous.

Favorite Place to Eat? Everyone knows that answer...Famous Daves Bitches! Yumm..Cajun Chicken Sangwich...I'm totally drooling now.

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other? I've done them all and concerts are where I'd spend my money first.

What is your favorite clothing brand? Gag me with a spoon, seriously? I buy most of my clothes from Target or Kmart so what does that tell you? I like them cheap and comfortable, thank you very much. The closest I get to name brand clothes is when I hit the outlets! And if it's more then $20 I don't need it.

If you had to pick one car, which would it be? Assuming your question involves keeping our '08 Honda CRV, I would definitely pick a Toyota Prius!

Your favorite Disney Films? Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, National Treasure, Sleeping Beauty, Alice in Wonderland, Lady and the Tramp, Dumbo, Pollyanna, Swiss Family Robinson, The Parent Trap, Babes in Toyland, The Sword in the Stone, Mary Poppins, The Love Bug, Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, The Watcher in the Woods, The Journey of Natty Gann, Flight of the Navigator, I grew up with the Disney Channel.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Dumb

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies? Skim milk and Oreos!

What was your last thought? It's been at least 3 days and my boobs still hurt....Why is my body teasing me? I can't be pregnant, it's not fair. This is where Jory would say "god" is having a laugh.

Favorite fruit? Raspberries, Oranges, Strawberries, Pineapple in that order.

Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog person. Ferrets are as close as I got to having a cat.

Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf I guess, but I would really miss music and my child's voice (if we're talking down the road).

Do you eat cold cereal at night? I could eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner! I love cereal!

What is your favorite TV show? I can't pick just one: Dexter, LOST, Trueblood, Weeds, United States of Tara, Big Love, Heroes, Grey's, Bros & Sis...

Kill the spider or let it out? MURDER KILL DIE! I hate spiders! Especially the Black Widows that moved in last summer...ewww!

Do you shower every single day? No. You may call it lazy or dirty, I call it being eco friendly, water conserving. Seriously, if I don't have plans to go outside of my domicile on the weekends, what's the point in showering? Oh now you all think I'm dirty and disgusting. Oh well. You'll get over it.

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore? Totally depends. I've been homeless; I know what it feels like to have nothing. I know how hard it is to get a real job when you can't give an address or phone number; back in the day a pager number didn't even work. But there are jobs out there and people willing to help you. (This one guy paid us to cut twigs from trees because he made wreaths out of them)
To beggars who stand outside shops or on the side of the freeway, they get nothing, unless I have a spare bottle of water or extra yogurt, I have given those out the Freeway beggars. I never ever give money to any beggars. If they are hungry and I'm at a drive thru, I'll grab an extra sandwich or drink and drop it off to them if it's convenient to me. Most homeless that need help, won't ask for it, those that are begging aren't normally homeless or are scammers.

Where do you want to travel next? I guess Spain to visit Keara after she moves there in November.

What is your favorite food? Recently I've been eating Roman Noodle Soup like it's going out of style! But my favorites include, French Dip, French Toast, Hash Browns, Chicken.

Do you read harry potter books? I love Harry Potter and have read all the books, a few times.

Consider yourself Tagged.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Who's that Beautiful Baby?

I've received a few emails asking who the baby is in my blog header or where I got the picture. I actually took this picture back in February at Sara and Carl's house in Ogden.

People of the Intertubes....Let me introduce you to Sara and Carl's Most Perfect Offspring.....They made her themselves....She's Tiny...She's Strong....She's Feisty and She talks when she poops! ...............The Beautiful Aysa Cree!


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Great Friends in da Hood!


Thank you Tom and April for humoring me enough to Don da Hood!




Thursday, April 16, 2009

The long awaited update on the adoption

Where to begin? I haven't been blogging about the specifics of the adoption to protect my cousin's privacy, however at this point, I have no choice. Recently we heard that my cousin was struggling with her decision, but we figured this was the natural process that any birth mother goes through when placing their baby up for adoption. Then this past (4/07) Tuesday night, I got the "official" phone call. My mom (who had just talked to my uncle) told me that my cousin was talking about keeping the baby. They don't know if at the last minute she will realize that her and her boyfriend are not prepared to take care of the baby, and end up letting us adopt her? They said for us to "Plan for the worst, but Hope for the best". There is a SHIT LOAD more that I will not disclose, but basically her current boyfriend wants her to keep the baby and he's promising to take care of them both. From what I am being told, he is not in a position to do this, for several reasons. (I'm sorry if I could tell you the whole story, this would all make so much more sense....but the stuff I can't talk about has nothing to do with the boyfriend.)

Regardless, it's not up to us. We cannot, nor would not Force anyone to give us their baby. We want a birth mom who Wants us to adopt her baby. We would never want her to regret her decision later on, or feel pressured into giving her up. Of course my heart wants to fight tooth and nail for Willow! That's who she is to me...not just any baby or a someone elses baby, but she's our Willow. But I know that's not the right way to do it. I have to believe It will happen if It's meant to happen.

So...after a serious mental breakdown(on the phone with my mom) filled with screaming, uncontrollable tears and so may F-bombs I actually felt bad afterward. I sat Jory down and relayed the news to him....and I sat there quietly taking in every word Jory said. As painful as it is, we have to mentally plan on her saying no. We also decided that I won't quit my job as planned in the beginning of May and if we get the important call, I'll just quit without notice. I still have to see what our lawyer thinks about it, but I guess this is our plan unless the lawyer tells me to do differently. We know that my uncle saying to plan for the worst isn't her saying 100% "No". Who knows, she may go ahead as planned, but just hearing those words breaks my heart over and over again.

I'm a fucking mess. The stress of getting everything ready while still dealing with losing my dad and dealing with his estate and now this, I don't know how to feel or think. It's really driving me insane, literally. There are no other words to describe my mentality. I don't know what to tell people, I don't want to tell people, but now I feel like we're deceiving everyone if we continue to "hope" for the best and act like it's all going to work out. If they're telling us to plan for the worst and hope for the best, doesn't that mean, she's saying no, but not ready to tell us no? We don't know what to do. We've not talked about her struggling with her decision because we thought it was only natural to struggle, but now hearing them say "plan for the worst" plus the other stuff I can't write about, makes it so real. She might really keep the baby. All I've been thinking about this week is, do I tell people? So they don't go out and spend more money on Willow? If she doesn't come home next month, do we return the gifts? How do I mentally accept that she's not coming home? Yet still go ahead as planned? How do I respond to emails or messages from people, checking in on us, "how exciting it must be to be so close to the due date?" It's impossible to respond in person, even over the phone, my voice or face gives me away every time. The excitement is lost because I'm supposed to be accepting that she's not coming home. Yet, there her nursery is, 99% ready for our little princess. It would have been completed by now but it's hard to go in there, even to have the door open. Just the tiny details left. Hanging the curtains and securing the bookshelf to the wall.

Do I post a blog and be as protective of my cousin's privacy, but share that we're going through this hell? How do I deal with losing Willow when technically she wasn't really mine in the first place? It's not the same as losing Jack, but my heart aches the same. Maybe it wouldn't feel the same had we not already lost a child. What happens when she's born and I have to really accept that she's not coming home? Am I crazy for mourning this baby that was never really ours? Especially since she hasn't even been born yet? And the decision hasn't been made yet!

Obviously I've decided to blog about it. (Seven paragraphs later) I don't know how else to deal with this. I need everyone to know where we're at so they don't spend their hard earned money, especially in this economy on gifts, maybe stop now and wait until we bring her home, if we still get to. The worst part is, I still SEE me holding her at my dad's cabin, I still see that future that I already pictured for her, I can see her face! It sounds crazy I know. But having pictures of her sister, I can see what Willow will look like. It's not even as simple as that. I feel it in my heart. It feels like it will work out, she's meant to be with us. But even with that little bit of calm in my soul, what happens if I'm wrong? Am I kidding myself with these "feelings"? I jokingly tell Jory that I'm psychic all the time, he doesn't believe me, but sometimes I have these feelings. I just know what's going to happen. I can See it. My mother and my grandmother both had these "feelings". But what if I'm wrong this time? It was different with Jack because I always saw a girl, I could See us with a little girl, it was never a boy. Although Jack being a boy was the best surprise ever, even in that nightmare experience. Was Willow the girl I saw? Now you know what I mean by crazy, I'm crazy!

It's been a week since I wrote all that, I'm still crazy but I don't feel so on the edge of sanity. I was able to get some Ambien from my doctor so at least I'm able to sleep now. Sorry if it all came out as mumbo jumbo.

I didn't do anything over the weekend, well I did spray the weeds, then it rained so that was a waste of time. But other then that, I didn't get any house stuff done, mostly I napped and just tried to come to terms with trusting my gut, but also preparing my heart as much as possible. I can't even begin to think about extra garbage like, say she says no, she keeps the baby...that baby will always be Willow to us. We're family, so we'll see her when we visit Utah, even if it's as often as we see her sister, we'll still see her and she'll always be our Willow. I'm not prepared to begin to comprehend what that would be like....nope not even going there.

So that's where we're at friends, family, fans, strangers on the interweb. We're in the unknown. Why do I feel like I'm living the worst soap opera ever? Why is it that every TV show we have watched lately seem to mirror our life? The worst was last weeks "Flash Point", young girl gave her baby up for adoption, baby's daddy came back into the picture and convinced her to take him to the adoptive parents house to see their baby, proceeds to kidnap the baby and flee from the cops. blah blah blah...baby's daddy hands baby over to the cops right before he jumps to his death. This is Jory's worst fear. He actually worries that one day whoever we adopt from will change their mind and come kidnap their baby back. WHY did this show happen to air now? It's ridiculous.

Please keep us in your thoughts, I will keep you posted with any updates...the updates I can talk about at least.

35 days to go...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

49 Days!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I thought I would be blogging day and night about the adoption process and all the emotions I'm feeling. But because I had already posted that the birth mother is my cousin, I feel like I have to protect her privacy. There is SO much going on and I can't blog about it. It's KILLING me! Plus blogging daily about how I'm still working on getting the house ready for the Home Study isn't the most exciting shit to read.

Nursery is done, just need to order the crib mattress and I'm thinking about getting The Mini (Natural) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bassinet. We were planning or at least discussing co-sleeping for the first couple months in our bed, but it's not 100% safe. I know how I was when Mazzy was a puppy and we finally gave up on kenneling her and we made her sleep right between us, so she would fall off the bed...she was the size of my hand. Anytime she moved or Jory moved, I woke up and made sure she was OK. And vise versa for Jory, if I woke up. So, I know or would assume it would be the same with Willow. However, losing Jack has made me SUPER aware of the smallest of risks and it's just not worth it to me. I cannot live through another loss. If I have to spend a million dollars to eliminate some risks, you bet I'll do it! (I'll post some nursery pics soon)

Office is done, sort of. The closet is organized, the bookshelf is organized, mostly. The room is partially decorated even. However the other half of the desk has papers piled all over it because until yesterday I didn't have a filing cabinet. Now that we have a filing cabinet, I can File all those papers! YAY!

Last weekend I only had one day off and I spent it whacking weeds in the back yard. Thanks to Keara it's almost done. Now I just need to spray the shit out of it, so the weeds don't return for at least 6-8 months. We might have to spend a little money and lay rocks in the front soon. We've continued to put off landscaping because the value of our house has dropped so much, it hurts to put more money into it. But I'm tired of having to whack the weeds so often. It's not like dealing with regular weeding, they literally sprout over night and cover the entire yard. A week later, they're 3 feet tall and out of control.

I finally went grocery shopping last week and have been cooking real meals every night. It had been over 6 months since we had bought real groceries! Jory of course, is not so happy, he enjoys fast food and can eat it for every meal. I can only eat so many grilled chicken sandwiches and fast food salads before I go crazy! Plus it will obviously save us a ton of money.

This is my last week of smoking. I probably would have dragged it out until the beginning of May because it's my stress coping mechanism. But with the prices skyrocketing, I just can't see spending $65+ a carton and that's on the reservation! I remember years ago while on vacation with Tom and April, we ran out of smokes in Washington and bitched because we had to pay $5 a pack! Now they are going up to $8+ per pack at regular gas stations! I'm hoping Jory will be joining me, otherwise it's going to be incredibly hard, but I would never make him do anything, he has to want to quit in order for it to work. Wish me luck.

With all the adoption craziness going on, I haven't really had time to think about my dad's memorial or settling of the estate. With the memorial, I'm freaking out that we won't make it because the baby will be born too close to the day, but there's also picking out the urn to be buried and personal pendant to put some of his ashes in to keep. I feel horrible that Shane has really shouldered all of the stress and work that goes into it. It's getting closer now and we need to start working out the details of the memorial and get the condo ready for long term renters. So much to do and so little time....these are the days of our lives.

This could also be my last month and a half or work and I'm freaking out because we still haven't seen the pension money. Then there is the ultimate stress of every adoption...the possibility that the birth mom may change her mind at the last minute. What if I give up my job, spent all this money, rearranged our lives and Willow doesn't come home? You can really only prepare yourself so much for that. I'm scared to death to even think about the possibility. But I have to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.

As far as my medical situation goes, my surgery scheduled for April was postponed again, not sure if I already blogged about that. Within the last 6 months my triglycerides quadrupled! The only thing that changed in that time frame was my Metformin dose increased to 3500 mg per day from of 2750 mg. So he took me completely off Metformin and put me on Avandia for 6 weeks. People with Type 2 Diabetes take it to increase insulin sensitivity. My Insulin Resistance is so extreme, my doctor has to result to playing with medication. He talked about having me add Metformin (at a lower dosage then what I was taking) to Avandia when I go into see him next week. I'll keep you posted.

So there you go, a long boring post. I wish I could write more about the adoption and all the craziness that has been happening...my brain is literally exploding with unprocessed thoughts. I guess maybe I'll grab a pen and paper and go at it old school style, that's how I used to process before 2003. For those of you who may know what I'm talking or rather not talking about, please double check your comments before Sharing too much. I really don't feel like it's right to broadcast anything about the birth mom to the world.

Thanks for checking in and letting me know you care. Sometimes we all have those "nobody gives a shit" days, weeks, months, even years. ;) I don't say it enough, but you have no idea how much I appreciate your love, support and encouragement, especially in the last 2.5 years. I really can't wait to inundate you with pictures of Willow!

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