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Thursday, April 02, 2009

49 Days!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I thought I would be blogging day and night about the adoption process and all the emotions I'm feeling. But because I had already posted that the birth mother is my cousin, I feel like I have to protect her privacy. There is SO much going on and I can't blog about it. It's KILLING me! Plus blogging daily about how I'm still working on getting the house ready for the Home Study isn't the most exciting shit to read.

Nursery is done, just need to order the crib mattress and I'm thinking about getting The Mini (Natural) Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bassinet. We were planning or at least discussing co-sleeping for the first couple months in our bed, but it's not 100% safe. I know how I was when Mazzy was a puppy and we finally gave up on kenneling her and we made her sleep right between us, so she would fall off the bed...she was the size of my hand. Anytime she moved or Jory moved, I woke up and made sure she was OK. And vise versa for Jory, if I woke up. So, I know or would assume it would be the same with Willow. However, losing Jack has made me SUPER aware of the smallest of risks and it's just not worth it to me. I cannot live through another loss. If I have to spend a million dollars to eliminate some risks, you bet I'll do it! (I'll post some nursery pics soon)

Office is done, sort of. The closet is organized, the bookshelf is organized, mostly. The room is partially decorated even. However the other half of the desk has papers piled all over it because until yesterday I didn't have a filing cabinet. Now that we have a filing cabinet, I can File all those papers! YAY!

Last weekend I only had one day off and I spent it whacking weeds in the back yard. Thanks to Keara it's almost done. Now I just need to spray the shit out of it, so the weeds don't return for at least 6-8 months. We might have to spend a little money and lay rocks in the front soon. We've continued to put off landscaping because the value of our house has dropped so much, it hurts to put more money into it. But I'm tired of having to whack the weeds so often. It's not like dealing with regular weeding, they literally sprout over night and cover the entire yard. A week later, they're 3 feet tall and out of control.

I finally went grocery shopping last week and have been cooking real meals every night. It had been over 6 months since we had bought real groceries! Jory of course, is not so happy, he enjoys fast food and can eat it for every meal. I can only eat so many grilled chicken sandwiches and fast food salads before I go crazy! Plus it will obviously save us a ton of money.

This is my last week of smoking. I probably would have dragged it out until the beginning of May because it's my stress coping mechanism. But with the prices skyrocketing, I just can't see spending $65+ a carton and that's on the reservation! I remember years ago while on vacation with Tom and April, we ran out of smokes in Washington and bitched because we had to pay $5 a pack! Now they are going up to $8+ per pack at regular gas stations! I'm hoping Jory will be joining me, otherwise it's going to be incredibly hard, but I would never make him do anything, he has to want to quit in order for it to work. Wish me luck.

With all the adoption craziness going on, I haven't really had time to think about my dad's memorial or settling of the estate. With the memorial, I'm freaking out that we won't make it because the baby will be born too close to the day, but there's also picking out the urn to be buried and personal pendant to put some of his ashes in to keep. I feel horrible that Shane has really shouldered all of the stress and work that goes into it. It's getting closer now and we need to start working out the details of the memorial and get the condo ready for long term renters. So much to do and so little time....these are the days of our lives.

This could also be my last month and a half or work and I'm freaking out because we still haven't seen the pension money. Then there is the ultimate stress of every adoption...the possibility that the birth mom may change her mind at the last minute. What if I give up my job, spent all this money, rearranged our lives and Willow doesn't come home? You can really only prepare yourself so much for that. I'm scared to death to even think about the possibility. But I have to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.

As far as my medical situation goes, my surgery scheduled for April was postponed again, not sure if I already blogged about that. Within the last 6 months my triglycerides quadrupled! The only thing that changed in that time frame was my Metformin dose increased to 3500 mg per day from of 2750 mg. So he took me completely off Metformin and put me on Avandia for 6 weeks. People with Type 2 Diabetes take it to increase insulin sensitivity. My Insulin Resistance is so extreme, my doctor has to result to playing with medication. He talked about having me add Metformin (at a lower dosage then what I was taking) to Avandia when I go into see him next week. I'll keep you posted.

So there you go, a long boring post. I wish I could write more about the adoption and all the craziness that has been brain is literally exploding with unprocessed thoughts. I guess maybe I'll grab a pen and paper and go at it old school style, that's how I used to process before 2003. For those of you who may know what I'm talking or rather not talking about, please double check your comments before Sharing too much. I really don't feel like it's right to broadcast anything about the birth mom to the world.

Thanks for checking in and letting me know you care. Sometimes we all have those "nobody gives a shit" days, weeks, months, even years. ;) I don't say it enough, but you have no idea how much I appreciate your love, support and encouragement, especially in the last 2.5 years. I really can't wait to inundate you with pictures of Willow!


uncle tom said...

sounds like you have alot on your plate. The no-smoking thing is going to improve you guys' lives in SOOOO many ways. i guess i should mail my baby showers gift to you, huh?

Michelle said...

We have the mini Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper for Morgan and loved it. He was in it for about the first 3 or so months. By that time he was full on rolling and I didn't feel comfortable with him in it any longer cause he was so big! It was really nice to have him right there but not in our bed.

We also have one of these monitors:
And LOVE it, it makes me so much less stressed that I know that he is breathing and moving even when it is totally silent in his room. A lot of $$, but we both think that it has been so worth it!

cmominIllinois said...

Keep your chin up girl! You have your personal cheerleader in me from all the way over here in Illinois. Hope the adoption process goes smoothly for you guys, especially after all you two have been through. Your first commenter is so right, too; quitting smoking truly does change your life, I quit eleven years ago, so I can say so... lol ... keep up the good work, and even if you're not 'blogging' you will find (as you surely already know) that writing, even a little bit, can really help you keep your sanity. We're rooting for ya'll here!

Cindy (cmomof4)

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