Where to begin? I haven't been blogging about the specifics of the adoption to protect my cousin's privacy, however at this point, I have no choice. Recently we heard that my cousin was struggling with her decision, but we figured this was the natural process that any birth mother goes through when placing their baby up for adoption. Then this past (4/07) Tuesday night, I got the "official" phone call. My mom (who had just talked to my uncle) told me that my cousin was talking about keeping the baby. They don't know if at the last minute she will realize that her and her boyfriend are not prepared to take care of the baby, and end up letting us adopt her? They said for us to "Plan for the worst, but Hope for the best". There is a SHIT LOAD more that I will not disclose, but basically her current boyfriend wants her to keep the baby and he's promising to take care of them both. From what I am being told, he is not in a position to do this, for several reasons. (I'm sorry if I could tell you the whole story, this would all make so much more sense....but the stuff I can't talk about has nothing to do with the boyfriend.)
Regardless, it's not up to us. We cannot, nor would not Force anyone to give us their baby. We want a birth mom who Wants us to adopt her baby. We would never want her to regret her decision later on, or feel pressured into giving her up. Of course my heart wants to fight tooth and nail for Willow! That's who she is to me...not just any baby or a someone elses baby, but she's our Willow. But I know that's not the right way to do it. I have to believe It will happen if It's meant to happen.
So...after a serious mental breakdown(on the phone with my mom) filled with screaming, uncontrollable tears and so may F-bombs I actually felt bad afterward. I sat Jory down and relayed the news to him....and I sat there quietly taking in every word Jory said. As painful as it is, we have to mentally plan on her saying no. We also decided that I won't quit my job as planned in the beginning of May and if we get the important call, I'll just quit without notice. I still have to see what our lawyer thinks about it, but I guess this is our plan unless the lawyer tells me to do differently. We know that my uncle saying to plan for the worst isn't her saying 100% "No". Who knows, she may go ahead as planned, but just hearing those words breaks my heart over and over again.
I'm a fucking mess. The stress of getting everything ready while still dealing with losing my dad and dealing with his estate and now this, I don't know how to feel or think. It's really driving me insane, literally. There are no other words to describe my mentality. I don't know what to tell people, I don't want to tell people, but now I feel like we're deceiving everyone if we continue to "hope" for the best and act like it's all going to work out. If they're telling us to plan for the worst and hope for the best, doesn't that mean, she's saying no, but not ready to tell us no? We don't know what to do. We've not talked about her struggling with her decision because we thought it was only natural to struggle, but now hearing them say "plan for the worst" plus the other stuff I can't write about, makes it so real. She might really keep the baby. All I've been thinking about this week is, do I tell people? So they don't go out and spend more money on Willow? If she doesn't come home next month, do we return the gifts? How do I mentally accept that she's not coming home? Yet still go ahead as planned? How do I respond to emails or messages from people, checking in on us, "how exciting it must be to be so close to the due date?" It's impossible to respond in person, even over the phone, my voice or face gives me away every time. The excitement is lost because I'm supposed to be accepting that she's not coming home. Yet, there her nursery is, 99% ready for our little princess. It would have been completed by now but it's hard to go in there, even to have the door open. Just the tiny details left. Hanging the curtains and securing the bookshelf to the wall.
Do I post a blog and be as protective of my cousin's privacy, but share that we're going through this hell? How do I deal with losing Willow when technically she wasn't really mine in the first place? It's not the same as losing Jack, but my heart aches the same. Maybe it wouldn't feel the same had we not already lost a child. What happens when she's born and I have to really accept that she's not coming home? Am I crazy for mourning this baby that was never really ours? Especially since she hasn't even been born yet? And the decision hasn't been made yet!
Obviously I've decided to blog about it. (Seven paragraphs later) I don't know how else to deal with this. I need everyone to know where we're at so they don't spend their hard earned money, especially in this economy on gifts, maybe stop now and wait until we bring her home, if we still get to. The worst part is, I still SEE me holding her at my dad's cabin, I still see that future that I already pictured for her, I can see her face! It sounds crazy I know. But having pictures of her sister, I can see what Willow will look like. It's not even as simple as that. I feel it in my heart. It feels like it will work out, she's meant to be with us. But even with that little bit of calm in my soul, what happens if I'm wrong? Am I kidding myself with these "feelings"? I jokingly tell Jory that I'm psychic all the time, he doesn't believe me, but sometimes I have these feelings. I just know what's going to happen. I can See it. My mother and my grandmother both had these "feelings". But what if I'm wrong this time? It was different with Jack because I always saw a girl, I could See us with a little girl, it was never a boy. Although Jack being a boy was the best surprise ever, even in that nightmare experience. Was Willow the girl I saw? Now you know what I mean by crazy, I'm crazy!
It's been a week since I wrote all that, I'm still crazy but I don't feel so on the edge of sanity. I was able to get some Ambien from my doctor so at least I'm able to sleep now. Sorry if it all came out as mumbo jumbo.
I didn't do anything over the weekend, well I did spray the weeds, then it rained so that was a waste of time. But other then that, I didn't get any house stuff done, mostly I napped and just tried to come to terms with trusting my gut, but also preparing my heart as much as possible. I can't even begin to think about extra garbage like, say she says no, she keeps the baby...that baby will always be Willow to us. We're family, so we'll see her when we visit Utah, even if it's as often as we see her sister, we'll still see her and she'll always be our Willow. I'm not prepared to begin to comprehend what that would be like....nope not even going there.
So that's where we're at friends, family, fans, strangers on the interweb. We're in the unknown. Why do I feel like I'm living the worst soap opera ever? Why is it that every TV show we have watched lately seem to mirror our life? The worst was last weeks "Flash Point", young girl gave her baby up for adoption, baby's daddy came back into the picture and convinced her to take him to the adoptive parents house to see their baby, proceeds to kidnap the baby and flee from the cops. blah blah blah...baby's daddy hands baby over to the cops right before he jumps to his death. This is Jory's worst fear. He actually worries that one day whoever we adopt from will change their mind and come kidnap their baby back. WHY did this show happen to air now? It's ridiculous.
Please keep us in your thoughts, I will keep you posted with any updates...the updates I can talk about at least.
35 days to go...