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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm OK.

So I guess I should update you all on me. I'm OK. Coming home and putting the baby stuff away in the nursery was not as hard as I thought it would be. No breakdowns or bawling. It wasn't meant to be this time I guess. I know we're not alone in our frustration...why is this happening to us? Why is it so hard for us to bring home a baby? Why is it so easy for people who don't even want kids to have them, but for us, it's seemingly impossible. But I'm OK. As ok as one can be in our situation.

I believe we will find our Willow and bring her home one day, or a son who will end up wearing a lot of pink ;) Regardless, it doesn't feel exactly the same as losing Jack, it did at first but now that some time has passed, it feels more like we're still waiting for our Willow.

I'm sure it's silly but it's confusing and uncomfortable for me to write Thank You notes for the baby gifts. I had planned on taking pictures of Willow in the outfit or blanket or bath that was bought for us and sending those in the Thank You cards, but now I don't know what to do in this situation. Do I suck it up and write them or wait until we finally get to bring a daughter home or do people expect to have the gifts returned? Where's the rule book on this? I'm sure people haven't thought about it and maybe I'm over thinking it, but it's been really bothering me at night.

Thanks for every one's continued love and support! I appreciate everyone who has reached out to us. I know we're not alone on this roller coaster, we have a great group of friends and family and I will try harder to remember that on my dark days. I love you all.

To Jory, my love, best friend and rock...I wouldn't be here without you. I'm sorry for all the loss and pain it's caused. I appreciate you more then you will ever know. You are my heart and soul, without you I can't breath. I love you Forever.

Tim Andrus, my cousin. May he rest in peace.


I wake up Sunday morning to my mom calling me, it's only 9 am here so I ignore it. Thirty minutes later she sends me a text, Please call her as soon as I wake up, it said. This is never good news and of course I woke up and jumped out of bed to call her.

Although I was up and walking around, I was still pretty much sleeping during our conversation. I remember her saying, "I have some bad news to share with you". Thankfully the sleepiness was in control because normally my heart jumps out of my body and I start to sweat profusely because that means someone has died. But again, I was still practically asleep so I said, "Stab me with it quick" or something to that effect. The irony SO did not hit me until hours later. Honestly I was expecting to hear something horrible about the baby. My thought process was, how could it get any worse? SIDS? Whatever it was, it would kill me.

She said, "I'm sorry to tell you that Tim died early this morning." Relieved it wasn't about the baby, but still very much distracted I said, Tim? Tim who?
"Your cousin Tim, Janet's Tim." WHAT? What happened? This is where I started to wake up, but not really. I remember she said something about the Mountain Man Rendezvous...wrestling...his own knife. My brain still not functioning, I think I said, how's Janet? and I don't remember anything else about the call. I remember we said goodbye and hung up but I can't for the life of me remember anything beyond that. So an hour later I called her back to get the news again.

Apparently he was up at the Cache Valley Mountain Man Rendezvous also known as the Old Ephraim Rendezvous and was held in the Lefthand Fork area of Blacksmith Fork canyon, up Logan (UT) Canyon. He was on his feet wrestling with some friends, who were all up late enjoying some drinks. At some point, his arm knocked the sheath off his knife and the knife stabbed him in the chest at a 45 degree angle, slicing his aorta.

From what we know, the guy/s wrestling with him either both ran to get help or one of them ran to get help, but Tim was actually found by my childhood bestfriend Dustin Hooton and his brother Derek Hooton (my little brother, Christopher's bestfriend) on patrol of the grounds. Dustin, who works for or volunteers for the local fire department performed CPR until Life Flight was brought to take him to the nearest hospital. Before Tim lost consciousness, he said "We've got a bleeder" in perfect Tim form. My brother Christopher said, "at least he went out joking". Tim, 33 years old was pronounced dead at the scene but was Life Flighted to the hospital.

A quick side note on the distasteful comments I've read on the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, it makes me sick that people will go out of their way to make negative comments about "mountain men", the rendezvous, even stupid comments about the time of night it happened and not think for a minute that someone DIED. Tim was a person, with a wife, two step children and family who loved him. What the hell is wrong with these people? Sunday morning those "mountain men" went around and collected money to help out Tim's family. They later held an auction to collect even more money to donate to the family. The people that run and attend the Rendezvous act as a family and take care of each other. There is absolutely no need to talk shit or poke fun about something you know nothing about. I have very fond memories attending this Rendezvous for years as a child and am sick to think people pass judgement so quickly even when it's dealing with a death. Sorry for aside...

I feel horrible for Tim wife, whom I never met so I'm sorry I don't have her name. My aunt Janet just lost her husband to cancer one year ago and has now lost her only son. They are having a viewing tomorrow and services on Thursday. I wish I could go, but we just don't have the money right now for my flight.

I grew up with Tim, we were the same age. All the memories at grandma's house have been rushing back to me. Exploring the old barns out back, playing baseball in the yard next door, walking to 7/11 for penny candy...we loved those fake cigarette candies they used to have and the ghost hunts we had in the Smithfield Cemetery.

Even though I hadn't seen Tim since my grandma's funeral 13? years ago, I will miss him. He was a really nice guy and funny...you can't forget how funny he was. And as my brother stated, he went out with a sense of humor.

Rest in peace Tim.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm sorry

I don't even know what to say. We knew this could happen, but I believed so much that it wouldn't. Even after having spent time with the baby, she kept saying she was going through with the adoption. But at the last moment, she said no. She would regret not trying. She wouldn't even tell us in person.

There are no words to explain how I feel. Embarrassed that I believed her. Embarrassed that everyone spent time and money on this dream. Painfully selfish because I've caused Jory so much pain because this was my dream. Heart broken and empty. I'll never be able to apologize enough to Jory for putting him through this. Losing Jack is more the enough pain for a lifetime and I've managed to cause more.

We're heading home this week, could be tomorrow, could be Friday, I don't know. But I need to concentrate my time on finding a new job since I gave that up too.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

She's here!


Willow Keara Johnson
Born 5/15/09
6:00 pm-ish ;)
6 lbs 15 oz
19" long

Friday, May 15, 2009

HOLY SHIT!

The other day one of my coworkers said "So is your daughter already born or when is she due?" My brain stopped on "your daughter". All I could hear over and over in my head was your daughter, your daughter, My daughter, My daughter? Our daughter, Our Daughter. OMFG! We're going to be bring home our Daughter! She's always been Willow or the baby, our baby but I had not heard or thought "daughter" until that moment. I had to remind myself to breath before I responded to him.

How crazy is that? We're going to have a daughter soon, any day really. Birthmom has an appointment today so we'll find out if she's progressed any. As of yesterday she's not been able to do anything but lay down because she's in so much pain. As much as I would like her not to be in pain, I pray that she holds on until the 23rd so we don't miss the birth. I just know that if she goes early, no matter how fast we drive, we won't make it in time. It's 11 hours with our regular stops from Phoenix to Logan. That doesn't account to the time it will take to throw the bags in the car and kennel the dogs. I really don't want to kennel the dogs! So if she can hold out, we can just leave the dogs home and Keara will doggy sit since she'll be home the morning of the 22nd.
I guess I should be smart and contact the kennel for info just in case we do get the call and have to drop them at the kennel until Keara gets home.....

Hold that thought...getting text from birthmom now. Says she went to hospital last night, was released. Went to doctor today and she's dilated to a 4, having real contractions now and doctor says she'll be having the baby this weekend!

HOLY SHIT!

So I sent a text to Jory, he never responded, so I emailed him, he's in a meeting, we'll talk tonight. I guess we'll be packing the car and either leave this weekend or wait for the call, then leave. It's so hard to know what to do. We don't want to leave this weekend, then sit around a week while the dogs are kenneled, ya know? My last day of work is next Wednesday, I guess losing out on 3 days of pay isn't that HUGE a deal, but all the money we can get, the better. Jory doesn't have next week off, he has the next week, so this will be an inconvenience to his coworkers, but they've said they understand, of course they understand, only a monster wouldn't understand.(more on that later)

This is birthmom's 2nd baby and I know most all 2nd pregnancies go much faster at the end then the first but I'm sure it's not 100% of the time. Right?

And of course now I sit here, wishing I could be home getting ready, calling lawyers(will on my lunch) picking up my background clearance letter, since I forgot to yesterday, talking to the kennel in case we need to use them, doing the damn dishes and cleaning the house for when we return, so much to do and I'm sitting here talking to retarded monkeys who think they're funny.

HOLY SHIT AGAIN!

Text from birthmom's mom, also known as my aunt, she's at the hospital and in labor!
Jory's still in his meeting, he can't respond, I don't know what to do. Freaking out! Should I leave work? Why am I still here? WTF should I do? I should leave right?

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Happy Birthday LoveR!


It's that time of year again folks. The time when Jory has bought every video game or CD that he's previously wanted so I can't buy them for his birthday. I still owe him an iMac, but we just can't afford one right now. SOON Babe I swear! If I have to donate blood or a kidney for the money, I will come through on that promise!

So here we are, no ideas on what to buy the birthday boy and he's no help at all, except his request for 47 naked ladies. Oh Sure! Should I just buy him stuff off his Wish List? Nope, he said not to. Should I buy him the iMac with credit? That's too big a purchase to make without his consent....and I would totally want that to be a Surprise! He'd poop his pants if he came home to an iMac! But right now is not the best time. But I Really want to get him the iMac...What The Hell Am I Going To Do? And then last night it came to me. I know exactly what he wants for his birthday (other then the iMac and 47 naked ladies) and by golly I got it...with the help from my sister wife ;) Thank you Keara! AND...it's the gift that keeps on giving, until we wear out our welcome of course, or drain the well dry.

I'm not going to tell you what it is, I can't. I'm Sorry. Don't be a perv either. I wouldn't be blogging about that to the WORLD! Dirty Birds. Let's just say he'll love it and I'm happy that he'll be happy. I hope more then anything that he'll enjoy the Birthday Weekend ExtravaganZa that we've planned for him. He deserves it!

Let's be serious. It's really not as kool as I'm making it out to be, he'll probably be like..."kool thanks, where's my 47 naked ladies?" and I'll shrug my shoulders, walk down the street with my head hung low and offer up my "services" to the local toothless wonders in order to make enough cash to pay for the iMac I still owe him.

I love you Jory, you are my world! I wish for nothing more then for you to have a HAPPY Birthday this year.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Adoption update

Willow is coming home...Hopefully! I'm scared to death our birthmom will change her mind again! Due date changed to May 23rd but she's dilated to a 2 and cervix is 80% effaced! It could be any day now! Sorry for all the "!" but I'm freaking out! Calling lawyer to see how to fast track this since we lost hope and stopped planning. Keep us in your thoughts please! What a F'ing roller coaster! Hi I'm Joey and I'm a basketcase!

Update: Called lawyer, if birthmom goes into labor tomorrow and we don't have homestudy done we can still take the baby and finish up the paperwork. Obviously I will do everything I can to get it all done in time. So much to do and who knows how long to do it.

I wish there was a bit of excitement in me, but there isn't. Not until this is all done. Well I know it's in there...deep down inside but it's being guarded by the Wall of Joey. It's just too hard to Go There again knowing how much it hurts when it doesn't work out. I really thought the text yesterday was going to be the Official "Sorry I'm keeping her" notice. It was really weird, all weekend long, especially on Sunday I couldn't get it out of my head. I started a text to her at least 45 times, different ways of saying..."Hello, we're still here in Limbo...what's the official word? Yes or No" But I couldn't send it. I needed to know to fully let go of her, but I wasn't ready to hear "No" so I never sent it. Then yesterday the unexpected text came to me.

So you can all be excited for me, I promise to join you when she's home!

Oh for the women who are wondering(because I know men don't care), her next doctor's appointment is this Friday.

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