Recently Jory told me about a coworker who had just lost her twin boys. She wanted to reach out to me because she was struggling with just starting out in this new normal life without her boys. Unfortunately she wasn't able to take as much time off as I did. And let me tell you, 6 weeks is no where near enough time!
Jory said she was asking him how we did it, how we went back to work, deal with people who don't know what to say or who say the wrong things, make it an hour without crying, concentrate on anything but your baby/ies or simply get out of bed? Honestly, the only reason I got out of bed and went back to work is because I HAD to, to pay the bills. If I felt for a second I had a choice, I would never have gone back to work.
I remember going back that day, I bawled almost the entire time I was driving. I only stopped for a minute because my little brother called to give me the news that they were pregnant. He was so scared to call me. But that's another story, I'm pretty sure I already blogged about it anyway. So I commenced bawling when I hung up with him and sat in the car for a good 20 minutes before I dared to walk inside. That's really when I realized that life was never going to be the same. That is, life Outside our protected family and home life.
When "normal" people go about their lives, shopping, getting gas, going to work, it's like they have Rose Colored glasses on compared to us, bereaved parents. It's so hard to explain, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to....
When I go to the store, I see parents with their kids, pregnant ladies, little boys and girls and toys that ALL remind me of Jack. At work, people talk, brag and complain about their kids. Starting a new job, there's always the inevitable "Do you have any kids?" question. Bereaved parents don't have Rose Colored glasses anymore, EVERYTHING reminds us of what we lost. We or I should say I, go about life a whole new way, I don't look at people, I don't notice things, I try not to SEE anything beyond my goal. Because it hurts.
The simple answer of how we make it through the day is, we fake it and faking it gets easier every day. That may sound crazy or unhealthy but that's what we've done now for almost 4 years. But that is exactly how we've made it to today.
I can honestly say the first time I felt true honest joy since we lost Jack, was the day I witnessed Keara's lil human, Wesley's birth. I'll go more into that on another post, but that night I realized happiness I hadn't felt in many years.
I'm sort of bouncing around here because actually writing this, brings all these emotions I've been bottling up for so long to the front and I'm struggling a bit.
I realize faking it through life is no way to live. I've always known I would eventually get some therapy to learn how to deal with losing Jack, I've just put it off for so long, it's hard to step out of denial and face the grief. I've wanted to go to a support group but I continue to put it off. I realize that I've stopped myself from getting help because faking it, is easier then facing it.
I think Jory's coworker came into our lives at the right time. It helped us talk again about those impossible first days and weeks after losing Jack. Those days that feel so much like yesterday. I want to help her and her husband, at least be support for them because we were very much alone with Jack. It's still very strange how close you can feel to someone you've never met because you know exactly what they are going through. Because I have been faking it, I feel like I'm emotionally in the same place as she is, at least when I open those doors, that's where I will be. It's helped me see that I think I might be ready, to Face it.