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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Ghost of my Dad

Just now, I walked outside and saw my dad standing across the street, beside a truck with his back to me. In shock I dropped my smokes and tears flooded my eyes. The sound must have startled him because he turned and looked straight at me. I blinked, trying to clear the tears and I realized it was my neighbor Bruce, dressed just like my dad in jeans with his t-shirt tucked in and a leather belt. Same build, same bald spot, same everything! My heart was in my throat and I couldn't breath.

Bruce didn't say anything, which is odd, he normally YELLS "How ya doin?" when he sees me. Or maybe he could see the tears from clear across the street?

It shouldn't be a shock that I "saw" my dad, he's been on my mind constantly with Thanksgiving coming. See, the last time I talked to my dad was on Thanksgiving two years ago, not quite two weeks before he suffered a fatal heart attack up at the cabin in Utah. I had no idea that would be the last time I talked to him.

Thanksgivings were already impossibly difficult to get through because Jack is not with us. How could we "celebrate" a holiday where your family is supposed to gather for a feast, when our family is missing a vital component, our son Jack. And now Thanksgiving is officially the hardest to survive through without Jack and without my dad.

I was supposed to be cleaning my house all day today for possible guests tomorrow night and I just can't seem to get myself together!

Love you Jack, Love you Dad! MISS you Both more then words can describe!

Monday, November 22, 2010

TSA Molest OK?

I'm appalled! Practically speechless to be honest with you, that we are allowing the TSA to Fondle, Grope, Molest, Sexually Abuse and Humiliate us in the name of Homeland Security? How far are we going to Let them go? What's next Full body STRIP SEARCH? What is it going to take for people to stand up and FIGHT against this insanity?

People say this is necessary for our security, our freedom? Being MOLESTED is necessary for us to be FREE? WHAT THE FUCK? How is that being free? How long are people going to put up with Big Brother listening to their phone calls, reading their emails, videoing their every move in public and being sexually assaulted at the airport? Before they realize this is the opposite of a Free Country?

On the news last night, there was a video of a TSA agent who "patted down" a topless 6 year old boy in front of EVERYONE! Are you kidding me?! Why are we allowing this Abuse of power to continue? The boy's father had thought removing his son's shirt would expedite the process.


Seeing this poor boy in the video made me think about all the parents who go to great measures to protect their kids from child molesters on Halloween. They've totally changed the world of Trick or Treating to Trunk or Treating. But we're allowing STRANGERS to put their HANDS on our children's GENITALS? In the name of FREEDOM? Are you getting this people? We aren't allowing this for Freedom Fucktards, we are allowing this because of FEAR! The government and media have you all brainwashed into Giving UP our freedoms in FEAR of Terrorists! I remember when ol' Shrub said...
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." _ Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.
and this....
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
and lastly...
"Don't Let the Terrorists Win."
How many times have we heard that, read that? Google's like a Bumper Sticker for the Bush Administration!

Of course those three quotes are not directly related to the current TSA strip searches, but it sums it up perfectly don't ya think?

Regardless of your political association, How is allowing the TSA to FEEL us Up going to stop "Terrorists" from shoving their latest and greatest bomb in their ass and board a plane? It's not. Why are we paying the price for Intelligence Failures? I'm seriously asking you? WHY?

A traveler in San Diego, John Tyner, has become an Internet hero after resisting both the scan and the pat-down, telling a TSA screener: "If you touch my junk, I'm gonna have you arrested." That has helped ignite a campaign urging people to refuse such searches on Nov. 24, which immediately precedes Thanksgiving and is one of the year's busiest travel days.

You can read hundreds of accounts of abuse here. For more videos just search TSA Searches on YouTube. Here's a few more I watched:

Here's a website with more info and TSA's video on Meg.

And finally if you have to fly, OPT OUT!

The We Won't Fly Plan for Defeating TSA Porno-Scanners and Airport Rent-a-Gropers from George Donnelly on Vimeo.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Goldfield, AZ Photography

I know two days in a row, what's gotten into me?

So I twittered a picture of Goldfield, AZ back in April with the comment, "Don't waste your time." I'm not changing my mind, it's definitely a waste of time, but I did manage to take a few pictures I don't hate and wanted to share them with you.

My parents were in town to spend time with me before my surgery, you know just in case I died on the table. Seriously, my Mom said this. She gets her sense of humor from me. LOL I left work early because I was feeling the cancer pains again but magically the car ride home cured me. No really, my doctor said the vibrations of the car very well could have adjusted the cysts which resolved the pain. SO anyway, there we were sitting around doing nothing, when GHOST TOWN popped in my head. I had seen this place on my way to Canyon Lake and well, I love Ghosts and I thought I could get a few good photos. Plus I knew my dad loves history and old west stuff, so I took them to Goldfield, about 7 minutes from my house. We spent $8/each? for the train ride, walked around town and left with a few packs of Candy Cigarettes!

 And no, those aren't my parents in front of Peterson's Mercantile, the name is just ironic and those people are so Tourist-ey! OHMYGAWD...that could totally be me and Jory in 20 years! HA HA!

The End

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Is Anybody Out There?

Is Anybody Out There? I know it's been a LOOOOOONG time coming but I'm Back BITCHES! No this doesn't mean the court case is settled(SERIOUSLY! Going on 2 years now!) I'm just done hiding, in more ways then one. So profound ;-) Can you believe it? A New/Old web address and putting it all out there for the world to see! Or maybe just a few moms who've lost their child too, who might be looking for others who know exactly how she feels. So Here We Go!

Back in August I decided that THIS was the year I was going to reach my hand out of this dark hole I'd been living in for almost 4 years. I figured if Jack could live STRONG for 4 hours then I should be Strong. And how ironic is it that he lived for 4 hours and it's been 4 years? So I decided this was the year, I MUST get reach out and get help!

One of Jory's coworkers, Angel lost her twin boys in February and she and her husband had been going to support groups so I reached out to her to help me "get out of my car" and attend a meeting. In the past Jory and I had driven to events and I could never get out of the car. I was nervous and because I didn't know anyone there, I felt like I didn't belong, even though sadly we do.

So Thankfully Angel offered to meet me outside so we could go into the meeting together. I left Keara's house that night, butterflies in the stomach. I had never met Angel, just chatted with her on Facebook so I was still nervous. As I pictured Keara still holding my hand, Jory called to encourage me. It was like Keara had passed my hand on to Jory and now he was holding my hand. He talked to me until I arrived and saw Angel waiting there for me. I hung up with Jory and walked over to Angel and she hugged me, just as if Jory handed me off to her. It was a great comfort knowing they were all rooting for me.

That first meeting ignited a fire inside me. Finally a place filled with scared, heart aching, empty armed people just like me! We went around and introduced ourselves, crying for each other and through our own stories. I barely got my name and Jack's name out before the flood of emotions was too much. Even though I couldn't tell our story, just talking with everyone about shared feelings and experiences was so FREEING! Finally a place I felt safe enough to remove this "mask" us bereaved parents put on everyday. I was able to be me.

Waiting another month for our next meeting was excruciating! Then when the date finally arrived, it was cancelled last minute, it was like my roller coaster crashed! How could I wait a whole other month?

October finally arrived and I went again, it was good, but not like that first meeting, I needed that comfort, unconditional acceptance, freeing feeling again.  I did however get a little further with telling my own story, but still just the simplest facts and dates and I felt the flood coming and had to stop.

Needing another meeting, I finally decided to take the trek up north to the MISS Foundation support meeting. This time, I wouldn't know anyone and I feared I wouldn't get out of the car. Again, my rock, Jory called me, he encouraged me, reminded me how I felt after my first meeting. And I remembered again, if Jack could be strong and live for 4 hours, then I could be strong too!

I went in! They were all really nice and warm and so welcoming. Listening to every one's stories, crying with them, laughing with them, it's something I can't explain. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is the founder of MISS and the facilitator of this group. She's...there are no words, she's...AMAZING! She's like a mother, so loving, has your back, will fight to the death for you. She can sense when you still need to talk but don't know what to say or what words to use and she'll ask you questions. Even when she's talking with another mom in the room, it's like she's talking to you, you learn so much from her.

When it came time to introduce myself to the group, it was like I was possessed or on autopilot, I couldn't stop myself from telling my story. There were moments when that uncontrollable crying tried to creep in, but I regained control and continued my story. I kept talking until I felt like I had said enough. It still wasn't word for word of The Whole Story but I must have yammered on for 30 minutes! It felt so good, like a cleanse! I had never told his story OUT LOUD like that to anyone before. And there I was the first time going to that group and BLAM I put it all out there!

November came around and again, the Hospital support group was another disappointment FOR ME. Our facilitator was sick so she cut the meeting short and again I didn't get what I needed out of it. There's no fault here, things happen. I just needed more support. So Again, I went to the MISS meeting, it was great! Can't wait for December!

Except I didn't have to wait for December because one of the MISS facilitators is having WEEKLY grief support/workshops on Surviving the Holidays! I went to the first one last Sunday. It was another Amazing experience! The workshop part of this meeting was how to utilize meditation for your grief work.

We've(bereaved parents) have all had experiences losing control: at work, a coworker can't stop telling you about her child who happens to be the same age your child would be if he weren't Dead and worse, he also has the same name or one that sounds similar and this child is just SO out of control or SO cute you could spit. OR you're driving to the grocery store and as you turn in, BLAM there is a group of tiny little scouts selling whatever it is that they sell at the door. And you realize your son will never get to be a scout(even if you never planned on letting him be a scout LOL) because your son is dead. WE can feel the lump in our throat grow, eyes start to water, chest begins to hurt. We can't hear you anymore, we're looking for the quickest escape route to a safe cry zone because our "mask" is falling and falling fast! Before this workshop, I would have ran to my car or the bathroom or wherever and would not be able to stop the flood of tears. But now I can utilize meditation either during this horrendous conversation or after I escape the coworker or scouts. I can also utilize meditation as a way to be with Jack, to hold him, talk to him, learn from him.

I'm so thankful to have found the MISS Foundation and the RTS group at the hospital. Most importantly all these new people who know exactly what I'm going through are all so welcoming and supportive. I'm finally getting the help I've wanted and needed for the last 4 years.

Thank You Jack for your Strength and Bravery. I Miss you and Love you Forever!

Monday, November 01, 2010

Not Afraid

Hello November, where the hell did the year go or the last 4 years for that matter? I keep making promises to blog regularly and I keep failing, once again, I'm sorry. Looking for a job is exhausting, not quite as exhausting as trying to settle my father's estate which is not quite as exhausting as grieving for my son Jack. When will I be free to grieve for my dad? My mind is busy all the time. It's hard to put words down to express feelings while my heart is being squeezed and my lungs can't breath because my head throbs from the monsters in my mind. It's funny just as I start to feel like my insanity is getting a reprieve by attending support groups for bereaved parents, another boulder falls off one of my many cliffs and I'm reminded we have a shitty lawyer who can't seem to understand he works for us, not for Her. Which is followed by family members who are "friends" with the enemies on Facebook. All I'm asking for is support, is it that much to ask for?

Thankfully after this deep dark hole this day has become, I have support group tonight, it is the light I need to escape this collapsing place I'm in right now. And because I'm struggling for words, I thought I'd share some that bring me to tears then build me up for this grief road I'm traveling.

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

Interesting enough, these are Eminem's "Not Afraid" lyrics from his Recovery album. For him it's about drug recovery, for me it's about the unexplainable grief of losing a child and fighting for a way to recover just enough for my heart to not physically hurt anymore, I know it will ache forever. But there is actual physical pain that happens after such a loss. When does that stop?

Miss You, Love you Forever Jack!

Donate for My Kindness Project to Honor Jack!