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Monday, November 01, 2010

Not Afraid

Hello November, where the hell did the year go or the last 4 years for that matter? I keep making promises to blog regularly and I keep failing, once again, I'm sorry. Looking for a job is exhausting, not quite as exhausting as trying to settle my father's estate which is not quite as exhausting as grieving for my son Jack. When will I be free to grieve for my dad? My mind is busy all the time. It's hard to put words down to express feelings while my heart is being squeezed and my lungs can't breath because my head throbs from the monsters in my mind. It's funny just as I start to feel like my insanity is getting a reprieve by attending support groups for bereaved parents, another boulder falls off one of my many cliffs and I'm reminded we have a shitty lawyer who can't seem to understand he works for us, not for Her. Which is followed by family members who are "friends" with the enemies on Facebook. All I'm asking for is support, is it that much to ask for?

Thankfully after this deep dark hole this day has become, I have support group tonight, it is the light I need to escape this collapsing place I'm in right now. And because I'm struggling for words, I thought I'd share some that bring me to tears then build me up for this grief road I'm traveling.

I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

Interesting enough, these are Eminem's "Not Afraid" lyrics from his Recovery album. For him it's about drug recovery, for me it's about the unexplainable grief of losing a child and fighting for a way to recover just enough for my heart to not physically hurt anymore, I know it will ache forever. But there is actual physical pain that happens after such a loss. When does that stop?

Miss You, Love you Forever Jack!

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