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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

FAILURE

That's right I FAILED. I did not daily vlog for the last two days. It's been a real shitty weekend, even though Saturday night was filled with lots of fun at a friend's house. And yesterday I went to lunch with my MISSters. I'm sorry! I wasn't in the mood to film either event. I kind of just wanted to try and enjoy myself, with the exception of lunch, I would have filmed that but I had the worst headache ever!

I'm not trying to make excuses but vlogging daily isn't easy! The filming part isn't too bad but the FOUR hours of editing, saving and uploading can take a toll on a sane person and I'm not sane!

The main reason I haven't vlogged is because I've been going through some personal issues that I'm not going to vlog or write about in detail and I've got nothing left to give. Essentially I need a job! I never expected to still be unemployed almost a year after being laid off(last May). I spend between 8 and 10 hours per day searching for and applying for jobs. Do you know how exhausting and depressing that becomes? You start to feel hopeless, unwanted, unnecessary, worthless and what's the fucking point? 

We're about to lose everything we've worked so hard for and it's my fault. I know I didn't chose to get laid off, I had no control over that. But honestly, it all goes back to the failed adoption. I should have listened to Jory in the first place, we should never have gone down that road. I should have never quit my job when she called and said she was delivering the baby. I should never have believed her. I did this, it IS my fault. I can't ever take that decision back. I can't ever rectify that mistake.

So I just keep looking for a job and hope that tomorrow I will get a phone call. Because how does one live with themselves being the cause of losing everything for their family? I'm tired of being a failure at life.



3 comments:

Joey's Mom said...

I know I will screw this up but bear with me.
You are not a failure! You have a very kind heart. You open it up for the world to look inside and by doing so you also help many other sad parents to know they are not alone. You can't take back what happen with the adoption (That was not your fault!)but you can work through this. We love you both so much.

Tiff said...

Joey, you are not a failure. I know there's not a lot I can say that will perk you up, but stay persistent and patient, and we are all rooting for you!

Tom said...

I think you're awesome! so there!

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