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Friday, August 30, 2013

Pregnancy Hormones and Grief

Pregnancy Hormones and Grief for your son's 7th Birthday and Angelversary weekend feels like Day 30 after your child died, you have zero control over your emotions, you're awake enough you're realizing that this wasn't a nightmare that you're going to wake up from, that it's the worst nightmare in the world and you can't sleep through it until you take your last breath, this is your life, everyday, WITHOUT your child that you Wanted so bad, you worked your ass off for EIGHT YEARS to have then gone in a blink of an eye. Everyone around you seems to have forgotten that your heart was ripped from your chest and you've been left with this gaping hole, all you want to do is die so the pain with stop, but you've made a promise to not die. But this isn't living, I don't want to live, I don't know how to live anymore, part of me is missing, why live? How is everyone breathing? The weight of the world is sitting on my chest, I gasp for every breath. My throat hurts all the time with this giant lump that hasn't gone away and every word I try to speak gets stuck on this lump. Constant headache wishing this invisible vice was removable. Body aches and shivers like I just came out of surgery. I'm drowning but there is no end, just the fight. This is my life MISSing my Jack!

It's been awhile since I left myself Go There, I haven't needed to Go There for awhile. I'm in a very healthy place with my grief now, I worked my ass off to get to where I am today. Pregnancy Hormones are like a Concorde flight straight to Raw grief when I didn't even realize I was getting on a plane! It just hits, takes me for the ride and eventually I'm able to get off, but I have zero control while I'm there. It's insanity, pregnancy hormones that is.

I'm going to eat some raspberry sherbet now so Dragon will dance these crazy hormones away. <3 p="">

1 comment:

juli109 said...

You have been on a very difficult journey. You have worked very hard to get to a place where the grief doesn't suffocate you all of the time. All I can say is that we love you and your family and we wish you the best! Thanks for sharing your life with us. I've learned so much from you.

Donate for My Kindness Project to Honor Jack!